Of Course It’s Hard

There isn’t a spot in my house that looks or feels normal. Not one room has escaped my wrath of sorting and packing. I’ve pulled out boxes of stuff that haven’t been touched since we moved in and I’ve let go of so many things that I know we just do not need. Not all of it has been awful, just some of it. Moving is like looking in the mirror. You cannot do it without serious reflection of your habits, faults and weaknesses.

My reflection is saying, “Let it all go!”.

I suppose I’ve been packing up my heart (much like I’m packing up my house) for the last year and a half. I’ve packed up dreams of my hubby finding a great job nearby so that we could carry on as if nothing terrible had ever happened. I’ve packed up hoping that we wouldn’t be forced to do EXACTLY what we’re having to do right now (moving sucks!). I’ve packed up all the ways I’ve gotten comfortable about my life and traded it for a constant uncertainty that just won’t let up. I’ve packed up relationships (I know those don’t end – but hanging with the ones you love when you move far away is almost impossible). I’ve packed up my security and I fear I may never feel safe again. I’ve packed up my trust in people. You’d think I’d be mature enough to see all of this as a passing thing… but, I never knew how badly a long jobless season of life would hurt me or my hubby.

I’ve written about perspective here before and I’m not so damaged that I can’t reach inside somewhere and find a way to put all that’s happened in perspective. I KNOW things could be so much harder than what we’ve experienced. While we’ve suffered, we haven’t endured what we deserve. Thank you, Lord. Still, my pain is real (to me) just as it is to anyone suffering through hardship.

Pain, I’m learning…forces us to grow.

I’ve confessed my anger many times and I will tell you, the human mind and heart aren’t easy to manage when life keeps rolling over you and smashing you to pieces. My faith has been an anchor to hold me in place and believe me, I’ve wanted to just do what I want to do and to just feel what I want to feel. But, that’s not how God leaves us. He is hope-filled and life-giving when we are at our most hopeless and looking to give up!

One week from today, this house will be empty of any trace we were ever here. I’m happy and sad, scared and excited, looking ahead and trying NOT to look back. Isn’t it crazy how we root ourselves to places? I’ve got a future, no matter how it looks today and I can do what feels hard or impossible. With God, nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37)!

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