So many things have happened in the last few years….that have shaped my outlook on things. Especially on life! I know I’ve whined told about my troubles on here before. Who wants to hear it again? Nobody, that’s who! So I won’t bore you with any of it. It’s way too depressing!
I can’t escape the dry feeling I have on a daily basis. What I mean by dry is, that I feel so empty. Crazy, right? I know for a fact that I have a living Savior completely inside my heart….yet I feel void. Not void of God….just dried up. Kapoot! Dusty!
I keep asking myself….and God…..”What is wrong with me?”. Is it just a phase? Am I really as low as I think I am? Cause, I feel really low and worthless. Even the people I get around help confirm it. I don’t teach anything at church……(and I haven’t been invited to). I can’t tell you how out of place that makes me feel. My gift is teaching! My heart is women! But here I sit……dry! Nowhere’sville!
Is it a test? I don’t know. I think I’m failing if it is.
My life is worth so much more. Don’t hear me wrong….I don’t mean….I’m SO special! Even though to God, I am. I can’t let my wounds keep me from living outloud for Jesus. I don’t think they do…..but what is going on that I feel so shunned by fellow Christians? Does God want me to do something particular? I wish I knew the answers.
I do know this. My life, my faith, my walk with Christ…..will always be personal to me. What I do for Him…..will be bathed in prayer and lavished with a willing heart. I will keep my eyes on Him and I will not turn away…..even when I feel crushed. I may never lead or teach anything ever again……and if I don’t I pray that God sends me peace so that I won’t feel the way I do now.
Stepping away from full-time ministry has been complicated. My heart never left serving God…..just my husband’s vocation. I’m still me….I’m still His. The question is…..
WHAT’S HE DOING WITH ME NOW????