God’s Got Something

February 8th, 2017

No offense fellow Christian friends…..but, if I hear ONE MORE TIME that “God has something for me and it’s coming soon” – I might scream!

No one believes or trusts in God and His endless abilities more than me. I guarantee it! Standing here 5 + months into unemployment I am overwhelmed and grieved beyond what I ever thought I could be over a job. Or lack of a job!

I’m sick to death of well wishes. I’m done with “Oh it’ll happens”! I can’t take one more hopeful call from an eager headhunter WHO HAS JUST THE PERFECT JOB!

I’m giving up!

Never have I really wanted to run away from my life more than I do right this very minute. There aren’t enough hours in the day to hold all my fantasies of escaping my reality right now. This is hell and I’m not dead, I’m alive and feeling every ugly ache that accompanies the uncertainty of losing everything you own because you do not have a livable income.

Jobs seem to be everywhere but getting hired to one (most of them way below my hubby’s education and qualifications) seems to be an incredible feat. Why are these positions even listed? Either no one ever contacts you back or you hear back that you’ll hear back again soon and you never actually DO HEAR BACK. It is a circus! A circus of horrors!

I stopped asking how long and what else so long ago that I don’t even feel those feelings any longer. Running away won’t get me anywhere because every problem and more will only follow us to whatever destination we choose.

Is that what my life has come to? Not only do I have a physical battle to fight…..my peace & security must be compromised to the fullest too?

I don’t want to hear any more IT’S GONNA HAPPEN or SURELY GOD HAS A PLAN’s. I am too frag – il- ey.

So, I’ll just be over here sucking my thumb & crying my eyes out waiting for a Christmas miracle. Thanks for loving me anyway. Pathetic attitude and all, friends.

give it up

The World Has Enough Reactions

January 30th, 2017

shhhhh

It’s a new day in our great big world and for some that means a brand new opportunity to focus on something pathetic to scream about. Our current level of human conditioning is to find whatever it is that’s hot off the presses to REACT to and to do it with gusto.

Whatev’s man. I’ve got 99 problems and marching in the streets ain’t one of them. Seriously. Have you heard? My life is spinning so fast out of control that I don’t have time to fight my fellow Americans with political arguments and hashtag wars.

Good grief!

Like a teenager slamming her bedroom door, Americans are at it again with marching in the streets and airports in disagreement with President Trump’s latest executive order. Why? Why must everything be a huge fight? The first job of our President is to protect the people. It seems like a never-ending battle to please any one group no matter the side. Someone is always angry.

Meanwhile, I’m over here with real problems that have nothing to do with fighting the government.

Over the last few weeks, the internet and television have been weighed down with voices crying foul from every direction. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t stand to see people I like and love disagree to the point of hostility.

Whether you agree that our country needs to take a break for the next 90 days or not, I don’t care. This constant in-house fighting is getting old. I’ve reached the point that I’m deleting every negative post that I see on any social media feed.

My brain and heart can’t take it.

Which brings me to why I’m even talking about this junk. I am too fragile to play along in the war of my country’s current OFFENSES. Perhaps if I were 100% me I’d jump in and spar or argue but at this point, I’m a weak soldier. I need positive. I need encouragement. I need hugs. I need peace.

I need to STOP REACTING TO EVERY LITTLE THING I SEE OR READ ONLINE THAT I DISAGREE WITH. I think I’ll put up a sign that says, “LEAVE ME ALONE!”.

think

PS. If you’re letting thoughts bing around in your head about me such as, you must not care about people. Don’t! I do care. I care tremendously! If my hubby & I can live for 6 months without a job or even the hopes of one, America & the folks who wish to visit here can live for 6 months while they seek out stronger vetting procedures that protect EVERY AMERICAN and VISITOR in this country.

Marching for What?

January 22nd, 2017

women march

Pssst, have you heard? About the march? Women from all walks of life and corners of the country traveled to Washington DC and other cities to march on behalf of every jilted, cheated, mis-treated and over-looked woman on the planet this past weekend. You know, the women who feel as if they have zero rights. The ones who’ve been squished down and stepped on or mistreated by those horrible creatures called men.

Now, I’m not saying it’s not possible that any of these gals have ever felt any of those feelings. There are a lot of females on this planet and each one has lived a life full of moments and who’s to say which ones have been positive or negative? Not me.

I wasn’t even in school yet the first time I was sexually molested, by a man. It wouldn’t be the last time either. It’s impossible to understand the attraction of an adult to a little child. But, many crave just that…an innocent human being without a voice.

Sexual abuse wouldn’t be my only horror growing up. I’ve written about it many times, verbal/physical/emotional abuse were all a part of my world. I don’t admit any of this to seek compassion or empathy but to point out just how confusing the ugliness of the women screaming in the streets felt this weekend.

What in the world?

Why? Stop trying to convince us that women are so mistreated and unfairly judged when you’re wearing vagina costumes, cursing, carrying insulting & obscene signs and excluding women who believe abortion is wrong.

I have every right to hate. I have every right to be angry, to cry, to feel mistreated, to feel abused, to feel the pain that comes from the worst kind of treatment.

Yet, I don’t.

Maybe it’s because I’m 50 years old and I’ve come to grips with the abuse that was committed against me. I’ve beaten the demons that swooshed over me and tried to steal my whole life from me all because someone else used me as a piece of garbage. I can say that what happened to me wasn’t ever my fault. I don’t own the guilt of the crime someone else forced on me. I’m not their victim, any more.

I have no qualms with anyone marching for a cause that’s real and true, but do it with all the righteousness that comes from genuine truth. Don’t jumble up your message with filth and ugliness that is stretched beyond what an intelligent society can comprehend. People don’t see you as doing a good work when you’re shouting half-truths or embellishments.

Who really knows what this weekend’s message was? Some have screamed insults towards President Trump, others went on about their bodies being their own (indeed, ladies), some held signs about equal rights….most of it was lost in translation. I can’t help but feel like it was a smear on the political status we find ourselves in as a country.

I get it. Donald Trump wasn’t the person these marchers wanted as their President. There’s not a thing any of us can do, except pray that he leads with a character that blows us all away. The day of choosing a leader has come and gone. The country has spoken with a Republican back in the White House. Get over it. It is what it is.

As the news continues to focus on the march, the rap performances….the jumping up and down of women passionate about their stance – I can’t help but think of the many girls and women all around us that are truly mistreated and abused. Say what you want about this country, we aren’t marrying off our little girls to old men. We aren’t living in neighborhoods that are ravaged by armies of men raping us and murdering our husbands and sons in front of us. We never have to fear or cover our heads and faces out of shame. We can drive, vote, work, not work, live as a gay person, act like a slut, walk around half-naked in public, have as many children as we want, protect ourselves and our kids, make more money than our husbands, be feminine or not, spend our money how we see fit, support who we want politically, go to church/not go to church, worship WHOMEVER we wish whenever we wish, own a Bible, marry whoever we want and the list goes on & on.

We are not oppressed. We are not forgotten. We are not silenced. We are not victims.

So, my message to you who feel it’s your job to set the world straight…. knock it off! Wake up and smell the truth. The reality of what our lives really looks like is nothing like what I’ve watched on my tv this weekend.

If you want to cry out for injustices, think about the ones trapped and or captured in sex trafficking. Look out for the innocent babies that are murdered every single day just because they are an inconvenience or felt to be unwanted. Stick up for the abused children, the molested…the burned and beaten. Walk a mile in the shoes of a military widow or a woman disfigured by a horrible abusive mate. These are real and true injustices.

Women are more powerful than you think. And it doesn’t take a march on a public square to prove it.

wo

Be a Critic or a Celebrator, Your Choice

January 20th, 2017

Today is a big deal in America. The Inauguration of a new President & Vice-President marks the start of a whole new set of hopes and ideals. For many, today is solemn and depressing while for others they are rejoicing and full of excitement. I’m here to tell you…..

It’s okay to not have an opinion.

Whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, it’s okay to feel neutral about having a new President. However, like me…you’ve probably read a million posts on social media praising and or despairing over one President leaving and one coming in.

People are opinionated.

Here’s what I know about that – We are taught to have an opinion. It’s considered intellectually lazy to not have one. Some would say that a person without an opinion is likely uninformed or lacking in knowledge. So, it’s easy to see how we are programmed to form opinions and share them openly.

The truth is, it’s okay to shut up.

I’ve got a lot of nerve writing on this topic, huh? My number one objective here at Queenies is to share my opinion. I’ve proudly written on touchy topics from my own viewpoint and I’ll be the first to say that I may have gotten some things wrong (here & there). Did you know it’s okay to change your mind? Well, it is. It’s okay to learn something new about a topic or subject and change your mind from what you once believed.

Try it sometime. You might blow your own danged mind.

I have no political agenda today (and no, I haven’t changed my conservative thinking). I’m simply proud to be an American in a free country where my opinion is safe to share or to keep tucked safely inside however I choose. It doesn’t matter if you (or I) voted left or right, today marks the beginning of a fresh new start. The USA is the most powerful and coveted country on the globe. We have the eyes of the entire world on us – our unity as a people will either elevate us or break us down.

Today, I’m choosing to be an American that doesn’t tear down either man. What good will it do? It would just be my opinion and who wants to hear that? Right?

critic

When Your Doctor Says, “Off the charts”

January 19th, 2017

it wont end

How would you feel if someone told you there was no cure for what you have? Back in 1997 when the doctor’s finally put a name to my excruciating leg pains, I had no idea that Fibromyalgia was just the start of a complete lifestyle change.

I don’t know how to describe my feelings because I’ve been pretty emotional since my latest doctor’s appointment yesterday. I’ve known something was seriously wrong but in a way I’d hoped it would be something simple and easy to treat.

However, that’s not always how it goes.

After MORE BLOODWORK ordered by the Rheumatologist that tested everything from A – Z, I sat and listened to her explain every ugly detail of the aggressive attack going on inside my body. Rheumatoid Arthritis don’t play! I tried to hang in there while she went on and on with all the results to every test but I just couldn’t.

I started to cry and I’m still crying today.

There’s no cure and nothing will ever make it go away. RA will attack and destroy until there is nothing left to ruin. I can’t just get any old arthritis and pop some pain pills. I have to go full-on crazy and get it with all the gusto I have in me. On my first visit, she was so skeptical with the RA results from my family physician….yesterday felt more like she was stomping on the gas of ‘this is really bad’ and everything you’ve ever loved about your life is gone.

I don’t even want to talk about the aggressive war ahead. The administering of Methotrexate at home (yea, shots). The fighting against every virus floating around, cold/flu/whathaveyou’s. I just cannot deal…

On top of all of that….I cannot eat anything! Unless it’s a fruit or vegetable (and again, that’s not all veggies) and fish/meat. Never again can I eat a piece of cake or a brownie (according to her) because wheat, sugar, dairy are evil and all they want to do is kill me dead.

Have I mentioned I’m hungry?

it no cance

I don’t want to sound like a total baby but this is tough. This is life-changing. This year has been a real drag! I’m fighting so many battles all at once that this just about takes the cake (Oh, wait….it did take the cake!)!

I’m still learning. I’m not giving up, I plan to fight it with everything I have. I’ll need help. I’ll need encouragement & understanding. Pray I can handle it.

it hurt

God,

Thank you for answers and thank you for doctors that dedicate their lives to learning and helping their patients. I need strength that can only come through you to carry on in this battle.

Amen

Chasing Dead Ends

January 11th, 2017

There are two kinds of people; those who teach you HOW TO BE and those who teach you HOW NOT TO BE. People either want you in their life or they don’t.

What am I saying? STOP CHASING PEOPLE!

For the last 5 months, I’ve literally thought my world was crashing to the ground. If there was an emotion to be felt, I wallowed in it like a pig in mud. I’ve felt lonely, hopeless, afraid, freaked out, overwhelmed, bitter, vengeful, jealous, sad and the list goes on and on. But, the emotion that has bothered me the most out of all the emotions I’ve weathered has to be the feeling of desperation.

Desperation is a dangerous place to dwell. Webster defines desperation as a strong feeling of sadness, fear and loss of hope which can cause one to react with rash or extreme behavior.

I’ve been feeling pretty desperate. Day after day of not hearing back from employers or companies can push even the strongest of persons into a corner of desperation. Rash and extreme begin to seem logical.

Many times, I’ve encouraged my hubby to reach out…push a little harder or to dream a little higher and yet, crickets.

Did you know silence is noise? Let me say it a little more clearly – no answer is an answer. When someone wants you – you will know it. They will come for you. You do not have to chase anyone for anything. Ever. Not a friendship, true love or even a job.

Someone needs to hear this.

God is always at work in our lives even when we feel like we are sitting in a desperate and hopeless situation. It’s time for us to stop chasing people, places and situations that do not belong to us. God has a plan.

Trust Him to deliver it in His time.

a m e n