When Life Doesn’t Go As Planned

For the last year I’ve felt as if my life has skidded off the rails. In my human strength I’ve held on for dear life. I clung to whatever life preservers came my way; homemade furniture sales, IT consult jobs, security camera installations, support help jobs…retirement monies, hocking stuff and whatever else that would save us from going under. It’s been humbling!

Some days, I’ve been a real peach. I’ve taken our circumstance to be a part of God’s plan and moved forward. Other days, I’ve cried, fallen in the pit of desperation and wanted to go to bed and give up. I’ve been ugly and felt miserable… I’ve not handled the situation like a lover of Jesus at all.

I’ve let Satan push me (it wasn’t even a hard push) into feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy and revenge!

What can I say, my whole world came crashing down the day my hubby came home to tell me his company decided to outsource him for a lame crappy IT support company. Everything changed. Poof. One minute I was smiling, excited about my new car and the next I was on the floor crying and feeling the ultimate betrayal. Wondering how we were going to make it. Looking back, it was a gift from God that I could not see it would be a long year of unemployment. Still. Going. Strong.

My hurt feelings have intensified over this year. Imagine how it feels getting calls for IT help from the very hand that slapped you down. Wow. More embarrassment, more frustration. More anger.

This morning as I stepped out of the shower my mind went to a memory of a big kickoff meeting with the employees of my husband’s former company. Happy employees were sharing kind words and boasting as to the goodness of the family. It was heartwarming! At the time, I felt so honored to be a part,on the same team as them. Even handpicked! And like all memories, I thought back to all the other folks who left their lives to follow and work for this family only to eventually lose their jobs too. Just because they changed their mind.

God gave me a clear message through that memory – He decides WHO good people Are! Many will boast of the goodness of others or maybe even of themselves. But, the truth is only God can say who is truly good & honorable. I’ve learned the hard way that the world is full of wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing.

It’s painful to be burned and forgotten.

This year I’ve learned so much about my flesh & all it’s weak spots. I’m vulnerable to all the same frustrations and setbacks the rest of the world feels. My heart knows better than to wish ill or worse. Still, I fought with it like a lion!

Focus on the difficulty and God is difficult to see. Focus on God and GLORY seeps through the broken places.

My faith has been strengthened through the darkness of this last year. I’ve turned to God and leaned on him when the world made me feel like giving up. That’s all I’ve had. People fall away, they ditch you or disappear from your life when calamity hits. I get it, it’s depressing to live my reality.

Imagine, the breadwinner of your life losing his bread. No money, no prospect of a job, thousands of job applications and resumes submitted….tons of crappy bigfatjoke phone interviews that you NEVER hear back from — just imagine that for a whole dang year! That’s been our life.

I’d avoid me too.

So many times I’ve thought I’ll never recover. The pain so deep, the embarrassment of being jobless has wrecked me and nearly beaten my husband to a pulp. I feel all the feels of helplessness…

Still, I’m learning.

God does have a plan. He keeps waking me up every day for something, he loves on me when no one else bothers and He shows me all the ways I need to let go! My flesh has run roughshod over my emotions and I’ve learned to trust God with every ugly detail of my situation. When I am at my lowest (which I have been many times through this) – Romans 15:13 reminds me, I’m going to make it! There is HOPE!

My life isn’t going as planned, it’s going as God planned.

Lord,

Let me see You and not my circumstances. Seep through the broken places and fill up every cracked hole inside me. Do all the great things in and through me as you’ve planned. I trust in You.

Amen