Day 5
Well, here we are on day 5 and the challenge to have a positive attitude (for me) has been put to the test every single day. Just like I knew it would. Strangely, I'm not deterred! I'm beat up a little….but I am marching on, friends!
I haven't spoken to my mother since last Christmas when she hung up on me. After years of the same toxic behavior, I decided that I wouldn't call back. I can't remember the last time she called me or sent me a birthday card. Any communication between us, came from me.
A bitter person…is his own worst enemy.
I've carried a lot of guilt because of our strained relationship. I don't like not having a mother in my life. I learned from an early age to adapt and make do. I've been in charge of making my life work for me pretty much all of my life. Some would call that a coping mechanism. It's worked for me.
I can't change her…but I can change me.
So, when I recognized the caller i.d. as hers on my home phone yesterday I admit my stomach tangled up in knots. She never calls me. My mind raced with questions and I felt that inescapable fear of confrontation. After having a couple of rough days (me personally) I struggled with what to do. I wasn't feeling my best emotionally.
My first instinct….was to never call her back.
After dinner, I called. The conversation was light. She had news to share. Cancer is her new companion and she begins the process of fighting it today. Doctors will attack the mass and for the next 6-8 weeks she will suffer the consequences of destroying that which threatens to end her life.
I'm not as surprised about the colon cancer…..as I am her attitude.
The mother on the phone last night was completely opposite of the one who hung up on me so many months ago. Her thinking process seemed clear and her optimism was contagious. As she described every detail of what was to come, she held tight to a positive outlook.
She didn't blame anyone…..or cry, woe is me.
Her attitude was incredible, even in spite of all the odds against her. She's alone but has good friends to help her as she travels back and forth (1000 miles between us, seems cruel). As a daughter, I feel helpless. No mattter the water between us, she is my mother and I care about what happens to her.
When I hung up the phone, I tried to process all that was said regarding the cancer. Like anyone else, I thought of a million questions. What stuck in my head was her reconciliation with the reality of her situation. She knows this is going to be awful but she's choosing to have a positive attitude.
That's not her nature.
I'm inspired by her will to live and I'm reminded of what's important. Love your life….live your life. Don't miss any opportunities to say, "I love you" to the people you care about.
Tags: colon cancer, optimistic, positive outlook