One Year Ago



Just one year ago….I was stepping into a world that I couldn't imagine.  As I sat in a cool darkened room in sunny Florida watching and waiting as my mother struggled through her last day on earth, I had no idea how different my life would be.  This particular day was very long.  Family and friends visited, loved ones called and encouraged all while Gates and I comandeered all the activity going on around us.

We were brave.  Or naive.  Who can say which?

Out of all the family members….it had to be the two MOST EMOTIONAL of us all — holding bedside vigil with my dying mother.  I think about that week so often.  How we barreled down the highway for the long trip to be with her (just the two of us) not really knowing how hard it was going to be.  But God….

God knew and He arranged it strategically just for Gates and me (and MOM).  Between the two of us, we managed to play like puppets for her and she loved it.  We sang, we quoted scripture, we told stories….we teased and we even made some mistakes that week.  Watching someone die is excruciating, especially when it is your mother.  Oh, but it's all part of life.  So, we bravely soldiered on….like we knew exactly what we were doing.

By the last day, each of us were tired to the point of giving up.  Looking back, I see how God orchestrates every single detail of a person's life & death.  Nothing happens without a heavenly plan.  I believe it's for the best that we don't know every detail otherwise we would try to intervene.  For me, I was going through the motions as best as I could that day.  And I have no regrets.

This long year filled with so much change kept me occupied until I remembered.  At the strangest of times…..I would think, "I have to call Mom and tell her this…she is going to laugh so hard!".  And then I would remember.  I caught myself buying items for my house and thinking, "Mom is going to love that I have this!".  And then I would remember.  If I struggled, I would think, "Mom is totally going to sympathize with me!". And then I would remember.  "She is going to be so proud of ________!" and then I would remember!

Grief is different for every person but the same for us too.  Each of us have to weather it….somehow, someway!  I am grateful for all the closure between my mother and I.  Our history was painful, harsh and many times cruel.  But not the last year of her life.  Hurts were healed (not all forgotten … but almost) and hearts were mended.  I can't tell you how badly I needed that and the peace that it gives me knowing she could waltz right on in to heaven wearing her sassy pants and bragging her head off about her kids & grandkids gives me an assurance that everything is OKAY!

I miss her but I don't want her back….well, I say that but I do want her around for moments.  I don't want her sick or struggling here on earth ever again!  I want the good parts and in this humanity that can't be the case.  Heaven is home and that's where I want her to stay.  I'll see her again.  I have that promise and when I feel sad or sorry for myself, I remember…

……my mother is in heaven, waiting for me!


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