Boldly Ask

Confession: I withhold blessing from myself because I’m an idiot.

Let me tell you how ridiculous I can get…when life gives me lemons, I completely forget to make lemonade (which is my favorite drink, by the way). Instead, I squeeze the heck out of my lemons and then rub my own eyes with the same fingers I just used to squeeze the lemons.

I have this terrible mindset that I must suffer. Even in moments of redemption or blessing. I catch myself feeling guilty for being blessed or given another chance.

I don’t know why I’m like that, perhaps…it has something to do with the way I was raised. Everything in my life was conditional. If I did THIS then I could earn THAT! It sounds stupid, I know. But, I’m convinced that I get what I deserve and if it’s a blessing, I am sure that it must be a mistake!

Admitting this about myself really is a punch in the gut to WHO GOD IS and how He feels about us as His children. He isn’t a game playing kind of God. He has a pure love for His children that doesn’t involve any bartering or earning of His blessing. He loves us with abandon. He sees our hurts, He knows our struggles and He longs to meet us there and love on us in spite of what we convince ourselves He should do.


So, why do we get sucked up in such silliness as punishing ourselves when life goes awry?

Is it because we have a deep-seated understanding of our sin and cannot move forward through forgiving ourselves (even after asking God to forgive us)?

Is it guilt? We feel guilt for something and cannot let it go or even humble ourselves to ask for forgiveness?

Or does it even have to do with sin at all? Could it be we struggle with martyrdom syndrome and feel it’s our job to do all the punishing for God?

Maybe it’s none of those reasons at all. For me, I think I could write a whole book on how to wreck myself just by over-thinking my life and it’s challenges.

I’ve just spent a year and a half trying to figure out why my hard-working husband lost his very good job. Was it something to do with us? Have we or had we been feckless or rotten followers of God and this was some sort of deserved punishment? Had we gotten haughty, prideful or even too good for our britches?

In all these long months of searching for the answer, never….NOT ONCE did God say, “You people were so lost and off track!”. There was no shameful scolding, no go sit in the corner til you have suffered enough and certainly there was no roll over and give up, you’re done messages either.

Instead, God LAVISHED love on me, on us. He reassured me over & over that He was God and that He loved me. Month after month, I prayed for direction and the whole time….HE was directing us. Only, I didn’t see it because many times it didn’t look like the kind of directing that made any sense.

See how I think? Psycho much?!

Here’s what I’m learning:

My path to where I’m supposed to be is going to unfold exactly how God designs it. I don’t have to worry and fret to convince Him to do anything MY WAY! He is God and He has a plan.

The best part? I can live joyfully in the waiting.

I never have to punish myself or tear my clothes to be worthy of any blessing or answered prayer. God wants to bless me and I want to receive it! Why would I squander His goodness? Why would I wallow in doubt what He planted in truth?

I am b l o w n away by how He has blessed us and put us on a new path. It’s only right that I live like that and celebrate every sweet moment that leads us to the place we belong. I can BOLDLY ASK HIM to do whatever it is I need of Him. I can pray with great expectation and know that whatever the answer is, it will be right because that’s who HE IS…the God of right-ness. My faith has grown by leaps and bounds during this time in our lives. I’m not who I was in 2016 and I’m glad! I know I can trust Him and I never have to place suffering onto myself.

Thank you that you are working out a plan that is like nothing I could ever imagine for myself. Every rotten moment of punishing myself had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me! Thank you for loving me so much and opening the door for me to live and to do it with an abundance straight from YOU!