I’ll Be Happy When __________

I’ve had pain that I didn’t deserve… but, I’ve had pain that I needed. (Jack Deere)

Have you ever said, “I didn’t deserve this”? If I’ve learned anything in this last ALMOST 2 stinking years of my life it’s that very unexpected and ugly things can happen to you. For me personally, my problems are nothing compared to so many who are walking through real fire. Joblessness is pretty horrible but it’s not the suicide of a beloved family member or a child wracked with drug addiction. It’s a loss but it’s a whole nother kind of loss.

Loss that I can logically make sense of and cope with (ahem, yea….coping) and I can trust that there is an ending of some sort to my pain. The other kind of loss threatens to never let the person suffering from it free again.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve sat and dreamed that my circumstance would suddenly turn for the better and my life would pick back up where it left off September 9th 2016.

I’ve wished.
I’ve prayed.
I’ve lamented.
I’ve begged.
I’ve let go.
I’ve gone to bed.
I’ve dried my tears and got back in the game.
I’ve given up.
I’ve fallen down the pit.
I’ve leaned on my husband.
I’ve sat alone.
I’ve hoped for good interviews.
I’ve wished calamity on the ones who caused this.
I’ve aged.
I’ve died to old ways.
I’ve made new friends.
I’ve given up a lot.
I’ve lost trust.
I’ve stopped expecting.
I’ve walked away from dreams.
I’ve believed that there was no hope.

In all of that, I’ve selfishly told God that I would be happy when _____ happened. Of course, my _______ is a great job for my husband again. Somehow, I’ve convinced myself that this one thing is the hinge to my well-being. The truth is that a job will not be my source of happiness. Oh, it can make me feel peace again and it can pay my bills…but happy? That’s an inside job!

I could wallow in the pit and cry about WHY THIS HAPPENED to me (to us) or I could wise up and trust that God is orchestrating this time in my life for something so much better.

Maybe I didn’t deserve it, but I needed it.

I’ve needed every hard day, every sad moment, every out-of-control feeling, every tiny piece of hope, every bit of stripping down and every I’ll be happy when ____!

I’m becoming who HE needs me to be.

I can’t do that lolly-gagging along in a perfect life. I’ll be happy >>>

    now!

Right here, right now.

God,
You haven’t missed one thing in my life. 20 months of waiting, wondering and begging for a new job has rocked my life and the life of my husband. Still, I know YOU ARE GOD and YOU ARE GOOD! Help me stop putting barriers on my joy and to live right where I am with purpose and peace! Thank you for your mercy and grace.
Amen