On Purpose

Why is it that when we’re hurting or feeling lost, we feel as if we’re the only one?

The last few days have been a series of feeling very sorry for myself and hating everyone who speaks to me. Even nice people, not just jackholes! Turns out, I’m pretty ugly inside. So, who am I to hate others?

How crafty is the enemy, huh?

I’ve danced around in all the waiting; felt hopeful, fell hard on discouragement, lifted my eyes to Christ, cried out in despair, jumped up and down with joy at prospects, wrecked hard in the face of rejection, got up and kept going, laid down and cried, looked ahead with faith….took a punch to the nose of nothing happening!

It is a constant battle.

The hard truth is that I’m a mess. God has his holy hands full with just me and my issues. Yet, He sticks with me in spite of me. I don’t deserve His gracious mercy but He just keeps coming at me with it.

Thank you, Lord.

While wandering along in this wilderness season, I’ve been more raw and vulnerable than I’d like to admit. There’s something pretty embarrassing about being broken. No one likes to be around it. It’s yucky and honestly, it GETS SO DANGED OLD!

You think I don’t get tired of it? (says me, the lady looking ahead but constantly being reminded of all that’s behind!)

For the last 2 days I’ve wrestled with even getting up out of bed. That’s not who I want to be. I am so tired of all the waiting. I want God to move. Move every mountain He says He will move. Or move me.

Trouble is, am I actually listening to Him or am I reinterpreting my own message from Him? Is it mature to ask God to repeat something? In case I didn’t hear it the first time? (Asking for a friend)

I’m rather good at racing ahead.

Nobody wants to be happy and live life to the fullest more than me. If you were stuck with me in person right now, you would LAUGH at such a claim. I’m miserable and I am on a quest to take everyone else down with me.

Beware.

Run from me.

No, pray for me. Pray, because the enemy is smothering me with discouragement and blanketing me with a spirit of despair so heavy that I can’t kick the covers off of me alone.

Listen to me. I am in one of the most difficult seasons of my life. It’s not the end, I know this (logically) but my weak little heart is convinced that I need rescued.

No matter how I feel, I know that God has a purpose for me. I woke up today just like yesterday and I have every bit of my faculties which opens up a whole world for me to see, love and share. My job is to keep on keeping on. God needs me to love you. He wants me to knock off all the worrying and the spewing of doubt.

Who can love such an unlovable creature as God does me?

Oh Great God,

You are unfathomable. Even in my weakest state, you push me to be strong. I beg you, forgive me for every self pity hole I dig and jump into. Your love is unending, your grace over-whelming and your promises FILL MY HEART to capacity. Help me focus on YOUR PURPOSE for my life and thank you for reminding me…..it’s not all about me.

Amen