Posts Tagged ‘far apart’

1000 Miles To Go

Wednesday, July 10th, 2013

The strange number on my phone this morning should've jarred my brain to the reality of my mom's condition.  I've been home a few weeks while she's been in a rehab hospital trying to make a comeback.  Only that's not how the call went when I answered it.  The doctor was straightforward with the news.

My mom is too weak to keep going like this.

I knew this would happen eventually but I had my heart set on her improving after all she has been through.  The lady is a fighter!  I'm so proud of her for the dogged determination to beat it all.  This year has been one issue after another and through it all she has kept. on. going.

If I had to choose a trait of hers to take as my own it would surely be her STRENGTH.

I've cried my eyes shut today because after speaking with the doctor I called her room and she weakly answered.  I asked her if she was okay with the doctor's directive to go to Hospice.  She answered me with what little energy she could muster that broke my heart in two.  Her words will never leave my mind …

"Can I just go?"

I affirmed her with a joyful, "Yes, Mom….you can go!" and then I realized what she really meant.  Before we hung up she told me she loved me and wished me the best.  I tried not to let her know I was choked up because she doesn't need me melting down while a thousand miles separate us.  She has no more strength to hold us both up like she's done for most of my life.

I have no choice now.  My mom is dying and I'm nowhere near her to escort her there.  It's a rare thing for my hubby to be so far out of town that he can't get back but this is one of those weeks.  I plan to leave for Florida without him as soon as I can.  I don't want her to die alone.  I'm forever grateful to my Aunt Teresa and to my mom's very sweet friends who've stayed with her and helped her when I couldn't be there.  They are angels and I know that the love they've freely given my mom has been a blessing to her.

For all the history that is between she & I … nothing changes who she is to me, my mother.

Dear God

Thank you for my mother.

Thank you for her life.  

Thank you that she wasn't perfect.

Thank you for sharing her with me.

Thank you for the forgiveness that is between us both.