Queenies Little Kingdom

I've never thought about it before…the dying process.  Of course I've thought about death.  Who doesn't do that?  But I've somehow managed to avoid the intricate details that accompany a person's last days & hours.  The sounds, smells and surroundings can't possibly leave the human mind once it's been experienced.

Today as I sat with my mother and listened to her struggling to breathe…I realized some things are better off never being known.

How will I ever forget?    

I'm grateful for the opportunity to be with her as she leaves this earth.  Just today, a friend called to tell me that someone close to her was killed in a car accident earlier this morning.  No warning.  No bedside visits.  No last words spoken purposefully.  No more time.  Gone.  It made me feel guilty.

Why do I get to be with and know what is happening to my mother?

God's choice.  I accept it and I feel utterly privileged to walk this path with her.  Maybe it's because of our painful past.  I can't help but imagine God had this in mind all along when He assigned me this mother.

I'm trying not to feel fear or regret.  Over & over I've hashed thoughts of all I should say and do to help her make this transition.  I've questioned myself about past hurts (they seem frivolous now and forgotten) and all I can feel for her is compassion.  More of God and His authority in my life.  It's funny what becomes important at times like these.  

My heart feels as though it's protected with a sort of God bubble wrap.  I don't have to cling to mean comments or hold a forever grudge from the past.  Her mistakes are history.  This last year of medical ups & downs gave us both a chance to say some things that needed to be said.  It would seem that hearing her say "I'm sorry" would be my favorite but actually it's not.  When she told me how proud she was of the kind of mother I turned out to be….it filled my heart with gratitude.  Hearing my mother admit she made mistakes and that she wished she could've been a mother like me literally shook me to the core.

Even if I never hear it from my own children…..I believe I did my best as their mom. 

Mom,

Thank you for building me up as a mother.  Admitting your mistakes and the pain you've caused in my life was hard for you. I'll always cherish knowing that you believed I was a great mom to my kids and a wonderful wife to my husband.  How blessed I feel because of those words.  

Go and be in peace now.  I'll love you and think of you, everyday.  And I'll remember the qualities that you passed along to help me be the kind of mother that I am.

FOR SALE

Some days I think I can't wait to move from this house and then other days I see this view and think of how perfect my life is here.

Perhaps that's how God wants us to feel. Satisfied & content. Who wouldn't feel full on blessed with that for a front yard?

Hopefully someone else will love this house and this Indiana yard as much as I do….very soon.  

From where I'm sitting I can hear the voices of a man & young girl.  They are a porch away from me and hidden for privacy sake.  I can only hear muffles of words (so don't think I'm eavesdropping) but I can tell she is crying and questioning.  Like all good men, he is consoling her and answering as best he can because it sounds like he's doing his best to reason with her.

Facing death is scary.

I'm sort of in a lull.  After traveling all day & night yesterday, my brain is bursting with exhaustion and my body is begging for a nap.  Yet, I find myself too wound up to sleep right now.  While mom is sleeping….I know I should too.  I think my mind is just going through it's own state of acclimating to my new surroundings.  Hospice.

I've never imagined being at Hospice.  I've visited friends who were patients there and prayed with them.  But I've never put that on my list of things to do.  I haven't considered myself a candidate for such a place.  Now that I'm here I know that it isn't anything to fear.  The loving folks who serve at Hospice Centers everywhere are some of God's most unique and caring people.  They have a way of erasing all the weirdness that surrounds end of life situations.

Like my neighbors who are talking through their grief and sadness…I feel the strain of what's going to happen here too.  I'm not here to visit my sick mother.  I'm here to love her as she baby steps her way to heavens doors.  I don't have any questions about why this happened and I don't feel angry or sad.  I just want her to be at peace.

I spoke to the doctor this morning.  I think that having her explain and make important decisions has been the greatest source of help to me.  I love how God works these things out.  He knew just who my mom would need and even went so far as to do the same for me.

What a great God.

Lord

Thank you for taking care of little details and making sure I made it to be with my mother.  Her life has been full and she knows how blessed it's been.  Help me do whatever it takes to make her last days special and full of love.

Amen