I had no idea that I'd be sitting in a hospital in Florida this week. Here I am. Beside the one who gave me life so long ago. She's reached the point of giving up. Her body has taken such a beating that it's struggling to hang on. This last year of medical issues wiped out the person I've called my mother.
As my hubby and I raced through the night to be with her….I thought about our past. The rocky, painful, hard and abusive past. So much sadness there. I can still feel every bit of it but I don't hate because of it. There's no time for that anyway.
Shouldn't the end of a person's life be just as wonderful as the beginning?
I'm grateful for my mother. In spite of her mistakes, she made a lot of good decisions too. As a teenager, she didn't have to give birth to me or even keep me but she did. I can't imagine what that would be like. I cannot judge her for her lack of knowledge or resources to be the kind of mom God intended her to be. She was just a kid herself.
Sometimes I see her in the mothering that I do.
As I sit by her side now I'm reminded how much she loved me. All my life, she loved me. She wanted to be a good mom and in her own way….believed she was one. Abuse leaves a dirty stain. No matter the type (physical, emotional, psychological).
I forgive her.
The doctors see no chance of recovery now. So, I wait. Quietly by her side….making her as comfortable as I can. Listening to her labored breathing and speaking words of love over her. Nothing can change who she is to me. She's my mother and I love her.
My prayer for her is that she would know the peace & forgiveness that I feel. I want her to be happy and to know that I trust God to do what is best for her right now. Her life has meant something. Her love has been felt. From the phone calls of so many….I have heard of the impact she's had on other's.
Letting go is never easy but my heart feels ready and my mind is in agreement that she has made her peace.
Jesus is just on the other side, Mom. Let go of here…I will always love you.
