Posts Tagged ‘lonely’

Desperate Decisions

Thursday, March 6th, 2014

Desperation can set us up for fuzzy thinking.  I know this to be true because I've rationalized some crazy things in my head that certainly DID NOT make good sense after the fact.  Perhaps you know what I mean.

When I moved to my new house in December, I had big plans of staying home and being happy forever & ever.  Only, I haven't been exactly happy.  I've been lonely, I've been stuck (thank you winter from H E double hockey sticks), I've felt isolated, I've lost my confidence, I've never gone so long without make-up and I've placed an unnecessary amount of PLEASE ME with social interaction pressure on my hubby.

He pretends it doesn't bother him.

I thought I'd play it smart back in December and apply online to substitute teach at the schools nearby.  I applied on December 31st to be exact.  The process was extensive and took a good hour out of my day to complete.  I've been waiting to hear back all this time.  No news.  After talking to my hubby about the strange process, I decided to call and track down the person responsible for hiring subs and see what the hold up was.  I found her.  She goes into this huge deal about getting SO MANY APPLICATIONS that she just has to weed through them to FIND QUALIFIED applicants.  To which I replied — "I know I'm qualified for the job.  Now, tell me….how do I get approved to sub at your schools?".  She told me that my references had not filled out my reference forms and that she would re-send them and then look over my application and call me for an interview.

REALLY?  Wow.  I couldn't help but feel this process was a drag on series of hoops and that obviously……they DO NOT NEED SUBS bad enough.  So I asked her just that.  I know how hard it is to find subs.  Most schools have difficulty finding qualified and good subs that they can rely on.  I know this because I've been used to death in the past simply because I could do what they needed me to do and everyone requested me.  I asked her about any open positions and she told me of several.  I thanked her and hung up.

Five minutes……maybe, the high school principal called me with a JOB OFFER!!!

I'm not going to go into details but I do want to ask for your prayers.  I don't want to take the WRONG JOB for the WRONG REASONS.  I feel working would help me get out of my funk but I don't want to do a job that I hate all because of my loneliness.  I love making my own money and I can't even describe the happy I feel just thinking of making some friends.  But, I don't want to struggle at a job that is out of my comfort zone.

So, pray for me.  Pray that I would be smart and think through the pros and cons of the particular job I am interviewing for AT 12:40 TODAY!!!  I don't need to work but I think I'd like to get my foot in the door.

Oh…and guess who sent me an interview email a few hours later?

Yes, the sub list lady!!!   😉

Shopping Alone

Thursday, February 13th, 2014

empty nest full heart

I saw her trying to shop.  She shared her eyes with the stack of childrens clothes on the table at Costco and her two little kids strapped in the cart.  Back and forth she went, table to cart…trying to appease the tiny people all while searching for a great deal.  Then, I heard her voice change.  I recognized it.  It was the "Mom" voice.  Her little team was getting antsy and by the looks of her cart, she hadn't been there very long.

I listened in, not to invade her space or be nosey but to see her be the mom God called her to be.  She spoke with firmness and love all wrapped together but I could tell she was stressed.  I didn't mean for it to happen but a flash of memories clicked away inside my head.  Memories of three little me's hanging onto and riding in my cart: a handsome boy wearing a ball cap, a bouncy curly blonde wearing something pink and a wild-haired baby with some sort of food in hand.  I let the memories flow as I walked away thinking of how weird it would be for me to say anything to this young mama.

Who wants to hear a stranger tell them to enjoy every minute of this hurried, noisy and messy time?

I saw her again in the parking lot.  She was leaving as I was returning my cart.  God placed me in her path because He knew…..I needed to hear her praising her children on their good behavior!  She used her mom love sword to build them up.  Her enthusiasm didn't go to waste, both of them were beaming!

I thanked God for letting me have a peek into this young mom's heart.  I've been there when shopping was an adventure but you still had to do it with monkeys in tow.  I've used my mom love sword to pursuade little people to hang on and be patient just to get through the store.  I've made deals, threatened punishment and handed out bribes (hey, I'm not proud) so that groceries could be bought.

And now…..I'm shopping all alone.

What happens while our kids are little is that we think they'll never get big.  We somehow see the days as endless and exhausting (and they are).  God in his infinite wisdom doesn't let us see the empty nest.  Oh, we know it will happen and many of us tease about the excitement of it coming.  But the names God stamps onto the heart of mothers….is deep.  The love she feels for them when they're chewing on the cart handle quadruples when they don't sleep under her roof anymore and pay (most) of their own bills.  She sees the fruit of her labor and she falls more in love than she ever knew she could.

If I could say anything to a young mother….it would be, live it & feel it.  Every single bit of it.  It's fleeting.  It ends.  It goes away and doesn't return ever again.  Your tired days & sleepless nights….are very long when your kids are small and get even longer when they sleep somewhere else.  You think about them and your heart swells…..its just how God wired us.

So, for those struggling to be nice at the store because you're tired.  Hang on.  You'll be pushing that cart alone before you know it.