A person can only go so long keeping a lid on their emotions before they fall apart. Today was the opening of the flood gates. I couldn't hold it together when I realized how helpless I was on the side of the road with a flat tire. I've managed to handle all that's happened with a tight grip but now I feel rather emotional.
My mother passed away late Monday night at 11:30pm. She was only 64 years old. Her independent life was stopped short by 2 different cancers and a failing heart. I think I knew this would be the outcome when she first called me with the news of her colon cancer. She was certain she could beat it. I went along with her because that's the relationship we had.
She bossed. I listened. 
I think I've been walking around taking care of things in a numb shell. Every once in a while the tears sneak up on me and the memories of her fill my brain. Then I remember that she is gone. I will never see her on this earth again and I hate that. I know all the "she's in a better place" thoughts. It's true. Nothing gives me more comfort than knowing she is in heaven now. It was like a therapy for me to watch her dying and praising God along the way. She ministered to me in her death process.
I didn't grow up with a Christian mother. The night I accepted Christ as a young teenager, I couldn't even come home to share the good news. I felt she would ridicule me and make hurtful comments. So, I kept it all to myself. It was a sad time in my life. I wished for years that she could know the peace and love of Christ. It would take her longer to find Him than I'd hoped. She had nearly died from a massive heart attack and almost lost her house in Hurricane Charley when God became a priority to her. I'm so grateful for the ones who reached out and led her to the Lord.
This last month she could no longer sit up or use her arms and legs but I heard her whisper prayers and talk to God over & over while I sat by her side. Each time I heard her speaking to a God that she clearly knew personally…..I felt stronger! I felt braver! i felt peace!
I have no doubt that she is at peace in eternity with God. I don't have to hurt for her but it's only natural that I miss her and wish to speak with her one more time. Mama's don't just exit your heart when they pass away. I'm absolutely blown away that God orchestrated it the way He did and allowed me to be there with her when she took her last breath. For an instance, I wanted to make her stop and stay….but I knew that wasn't my choice.
Only God makes the decision of who goes and who stays.
Goodbye, Mama. I love you and I'll miss you.
Carol Sue Staton July 6th, 1949 — July 15th, 2013
