Posts Tagged ‘letting go’

Of Course It’s Hard

Friday, February 23rd, 2018

There isn’t a spot in my house that looks or feels normal. Not one room has escaped my wrath of sorting and packing. I’ve pulled out boxes of stuff that haven’t been touched since we moved in and I’ve let go of so many things that I know we just do not need. Not all of it has been awful, just some of it. Moving is like looking in the mirror. You cannot do it without serious reflection of your habits, faults and weaknesses.

My reflection is saying, “Let it all go!”.

I suppose I’ve been packing up my heart (much like I’m packing up my house) for the last year and a half. I’ve packed up dreams of my hubby finding a great job nearby so that we could carry on as if nothing terrible had ever happened. I’ve packed up hoping that we wouldn’t be forced to do EXACTLY what we’re having to do right now (moving sucks!). I’ve packed up all the ways I’ve gotten comfortable about my life and traded it for a constant uncertainty that just won’t let up. I’ve packed up relationships (I know those don’t end – but hanging with the ones you love when you move far away is almost impossible). I’ve packed up my security and I fear I may never feel safe again. I’ve packed up my trust in people. You’d think I’d be mature enough to see all of this as a passing thing… but, I never knew how badly a long jobless season of life would hurt me or my hubby.

I’ve written about perspective here before and I’m not so damaged that I can’t reach inside somewhere and find a way to put all that’s happened in perspective. I KNOW things could be so much harder than what we’ve experienced. While we’ve suffered, we haven’t endured what we deserve. Thank you, Lord. Still, my pain is real (to me) just as it is to anyone suffering through hardship.

Pain, I’m learning…forces us to grow.

I’ve confessed my anger many times and I will tell you, the human mind and heart aren’t easy to manage when life keeps rolling over you and smashing you to pieces. My faith has been an anchor to hold me in place and believe me, I’ve wanted to just do what I want to do and to just feel what I want to feel. But, that’s not how God leaves us. He is hope-filled and life-giving when we are at our most hopeless and looking to give up!

One week from today, this house will be empty of any trace we were ever here. I’m happy and sad, scared and excited, looking ahead and trying NOT to look back. Isn’t it crazy how we root ourselves to places? I’ve got a future, no matter how it looks today and I can do what feels hard or impossible. With God, nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37)!

Don’t Mess with My Dreams

Friday, October 9th, 2015

Last week I was deep asleep and engrossed in what I thought was a realistic dream of being prepped to walk on stage for a BODY BUILDING contest…..then, my phone rang and interrupted the dream.  Dang school!  I tried to fall back asleep so I could see my perfectly sculpted body and walk across that imaginary stage but it was useless.  I was wide awake and left with my crazy dream rolling around in my brain.

In 3 days I’ll turn 49 years old.  That’s a long life in some ways and a rather short one in others.  During that  49 years I’ve done my share of wide awake dreaming.  Not a foreign concept for most humans, really.  Dreaming helps us plan, dreaming sets us on course and dreams allow us a hope for what’s to come.  Dreaming is natural.

I’ve shared here a few of my dreams over the years…. the ones of being a successful author and writing great stories.  I have hopes and dreams of being a mother-in-law to my children’s spouses and a grandmother to their children someday.  But I’ve also held back on some cherished personal dreams.  Some dreams are so special and private that speaking them outloud is almost too precious or sacred.

Still, they are dreams that count in my heart and when something threatens to topple my apple cart of dreams…. I feel challenged or as if I’m in a battle.

That’s the thing with dreams, my dream may not necessarily match your dream or someone else’s.  So, your part in my dream may not go as I “dreamt it up”. Your course of life might take sharp turns and twisty roads that I couldn’t foresee or that I didn’t hope for or ever wish to see.  The dream I have or had…doesn’t exist in the same way anymore.

I feel as though I’m in the throes of waking up from some of my dreams.  Something is trying to crush them and it’s almost comparable to a nightmare.  I want to fight it or stamp it out but I can’t.   It’s out of my control. Perhaps, that’s for the best.

However,  it’s NOT out of God’s control.  I can rest easy knowing He has a better plan.  His dreams are better than anything I could ever muster up in my feeble little mind.  I can let go of what I think would be perfect for me or the people in my life that I dream so big for.  I can trust God because He is the great dream maker and provider.

And, so can you.

Don’t let life smash your dreams.  Trust God to know better and allow Him to work on your behalf.  I guarantee it’ll be better than any body building competition or perfect dream you have inside your head.


When Your Kids Hurt You

Monday, August 10th, 2015

No one can jack up your mom mojo quicker than a full-on jerky kid. Not the “stranger” kind either, I mean the one you carried inside your once flat tummy and pushed all day long to bring into this janked up world. Those people. They are the ones (two or three or however many times you thought producing arrows of righteousness would bless you) who can really rip out your heart and stomp on it like NO ONE ELSE IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

And then ask you for something right after the sucker punch to your heart.

Kids are ruthless. They can also be pretty selfish. Who can we blame though? We play a pretty significant role in how self-centered our kids grow up to be. I know I can only blame myself for many of my own kids “issues”.

I was chatting with a friend today who was feeling all the hurts that come with dealing with grown up kids. That’s not to say that all grown up kids are being rotten or uncaring…. Sometimes, that relationship becomes all wonky and the results can be rather uncomfortable for both parties. I’ve experienced my own share of growing pains with my big kids. It can hurt in so many ways just trying to navigate normal everyday life.

Heck, I’ve cried over some stupid things.

I tried to encourage my friend because what I’ve learned is that these feelings are normal. It’s all part of God’s bigger plan. Kids grow up, they marry and move on. Our lives don’t end because of that. Matter of fact, it’s just getting started. All the years of investing in the great people they are were not a waste.

We can celebrate knowing that we played a part in who they are today.

Now, how they treat us is their business. It’s on them. If they are snarky or jerky – find a way to overlook it. Also, be prepared to do a heart check of your own. Are you holding on too tightly? Are you stifling them? Do you invade every aspect of their lives and hold every fun thing they do without you over their heads? Stop it. Learn to let go (ha, easy for me to say..huh?) and give them the space they need to soar.

Kids are not our property. They are on loan from God. A heritage. Oh who am I kidding? They are our everything and then POOF! They are gone. Deal with it!

Mama’s, in the words of 38 Special –> Hold on loosely! But, don’t let go! If you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control! Your baby needs someone to believe in….and a whole lotta space to breathe in!

Adult children have a completely different need from us as parents. They need our support but they need us to butt out. They need our love but they need us to not focus completely on them. They need us to be happy without their presence. They need us to let them fail and fall flat but they also need us to help them up (IF THEY ASK). They need us to NOT BE SO DANGED SENSITIVE but they also need to show respect and thoughtfulness. They need to know that no matter what they do or say, we love them and care for them but they also need to be considerate of our feelings.

Look, parenting never ends. It just changes. For some, it gets easier. For others, it takes on a strained or forced battle ground. Don’t let it wreck you. Don’t stop living because your kids have grown up and moved on. Start all the things you couldn’t do when you were knee deep in mac-n-cheese and tying shoes. Get out there and find your happy place.

kids go

And for goodness sakes, make your husband your #1! Hubby’s take the backseat too often while we’re mommying it up. Love your guy, smile at the face that still swoons over you and let your rotten kids go! 🙂

kids love

I’m Letting Go, Really

Tuesday, May 26th, 2015

I’m dead tired. Not a good dead tired either. My brain hurts, my body aches and my heart is all shredded into pieces.

So, how was your long weekend?


While most families were having a grand old time celebrating the long weekend, mine was all wonky with emotions. There were arguments, exhausting and messy packing, misunderstandings, biting comments and total disregard for what anyone else might be feeling.

That’s family, I guess.

I suppose my weekend was just another little lesson in letting go. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of doing just that. Now, not so much.

Growing pains really are a pain.

nothing happens

This morning, I woke up with a little better perspective. My happiness depends on me. It’s not anyone else’s job to make me “feel” joy. It’s not fair for me to put that pressure on anyone around me. However, I can expect to be treated well.

I’ve asked myself some questions this morning. The kind that require SELF EXAMINATION. Ouch, to that…right?

* Were my expectations too high? Probably, but I only have limited time with all 3 of my kids. It’s normal to feel dissed when other activities take the place of time with each other.

* Am I being a toxic mom? Perhaps. Not every question or comment is laced with condemnation. I pray that God would reveal any manipulative word or guilt-filled comment from my mouth (if I speak them to my kids).

* Do I owe my kids anything? I am learning that I owe them respect and room to grow. I have boundaries but so do they. It’s important that those boundaries work both ways.

* Is my heart pure with my frustrations with my kids? I’m praying on this one.

* Do I need to back off? Yes.


Mama’s, no matter what age your kids may be….growing pains sneak in and cause havoc. We can either fight it like a madwoman or we can bow out gracefully and LET GO. I’m working on bowing out. Every. Day.


Can you see the heart? I found it this morning after I took this picture of my pink peonies by my porch. (Thank you Lord, Your love is everlasting!)

letting go

Are They Ready?

Thursday, September 5th, 2013



I didn't sleep well last night.  My mind kept racing through the last twenty-something years of my life.  Thoughts of mothering the ones God entrusted to me so long ago bombarded my brain.  Have I done everything I should have done?  Has my influence on them been effective or harmful?  Do they know all that they need to know to face the world without me? Will they choose what's right without me there to guide?  Are they ready?

Am I ready?

I can't imagine that I'm the first mama to go through this whirlwind of emotions.  My kids are not the first ones to "move out" and grow up.  Somehow, each of us must face this head-on and experience every detail of it….for ourselves.  I'm rattled by the reality that come tomorrow, no children will live in my home…possibly ever again.  That's harsh!

Why is the identity of a woman so deeply connected to being a mother?

mom rights

Because of God.  I believe.

The first time I looked into the face of my first baby(Gavin) I knew that nothing in my life would ever be the same.  That same passion ignited with the birth of my two girls as well.  A mother's heart is wild with abandon and beats hard to nurture & protect.  For me, my children have been my world (like most moms).  Every step I've taken has been done with THEM in mind.  I chose to put my whole self into being the kind of mother I felt God wanted me to be to them.  Not a perfect mother….but a steady, solid and trustworthy one.

The kind of mother that left no doubts of how I felt about them, ever.

mother love

At this point, I have no more time to go back and change anything that I've done or not done to prepare them for the world.  It's game time!  The morals, values and beliefs are all set.  My worrying about whether they are strong enough to withstand the world and it's harsh reality won't change a thing.  (They) say, "letting go is the hardest part" and to that I say…."I agree!".  Perhaps that's the reason I couldn't sleep.

My heart wants to cling.  Which makes me want to linger over every stage of loving them.  I can't imagine the "moments" coming to an end – laughing around the table, searching for lost items, answering the calls for direction and piling up on beds just to chat.  How do you just stop "life" cold turkey?

I can't answer.  I just have to step into this new role and learn as I go.

I'm not sure if my heart will ever be the same, again.



Thank you for blessing me with children that love YOU & the family in which you placed them.  Being their mother has shaped me into the person I am today.  My heart beats out of my chest with joy & gratitude for the love I share with each of them and I KNOW….You have great plans for all three of them.  Plans to prosper & bless them beyond what I could ever imagine.  Thank you for loving them EVEN MORE THAN ME.


be true

Goodbye Mama

Thursday, July 18th, 2013

A person can only go so long keeping a lid on their emotions before they fall apart.  Today was the opening of the flood gates.  I couldn't hold it together when I realized how helpless I was on the side of the road with a flat tire.  I've managed to handle all that's happened with a tight grip but now I feel rather emotional.

My mother passed away late Monday night at 11:30pm.  She was only 64 years old.  Her independent life was stopped short by 2 different cancers and a failing heart.  I think I knew this would be the outcome when she first called me with the news of her colon cancer.  She was certain she could beat it.  I went along with her because that's the relationship we had.

She bossed.  I listened.  laugh

I think I've been walking around taking care of things in a numb shell.  Every once in a while the tears sneak up on me and the memories of her fill my brain.  Then I remember that she is gone. I will never see her on this earth again and I hate that.  I know all the "she's in a better place" thoughts.  It's true.  Nothing gives me more comfort than knowing she is in heaven now.  It was like a therapy for me to watch her dying and praising God along the way. She ministered to me in her death process.  

I didn't grow up with a Christian mother.  The night I accepted Christ as a young teenager, I couldn't even come home to share the good news.  I felt she would ridicule me and make hurtful comments.  So, I kept it all to myself.  It was a sad time in my life. I wished for years that she could know the peace and love of Christ.  It would take her longer to find Him than I'd hoped.  She had nearly died from a massive heart attack and almost lost her house in Hurricane Charley when God became a priority to her.  I'm so grateful for the ones who reached out and led her to the Lord.

This last month she could no longer sit up or use her arms and legs but I heard her whisper prayers and talk to God over & over while I sat by her side.  Each time I heard her speaking to a God that she clearly knew personally…..I felt stronger!  I felt braver!  i felt peace!

I have no doubt that she is at peace in eternity with God.  I don't have to hurt for her but it's only natural that I miss her and wish to speak with her one more time.  Mama's don't just exit your heart when they pass away.  I'm absolutely blown away that God orchestrated it the way He did and allowed me to be there with her when she took her last breath.  For an instance, I wanted to make her stop and stay….but I knew that wasn't my choice.

Only God makes the decision of who goes and who stays.

Goodbye, Mama.  I love you and I'll miss you.

Carol Sue Staton  July 6th, 1949 — July 15th, 2013