FOR SALE
Some days I think I can't wait to move from this house and then other days I see this view and think of how perfect my life is here.
Perhaps that's how God wants us to feel. Satisfied & content. Who wouldn't feel full on blessed with that for a front yard?
Hopefully someone else will love this house and this Indiana yard as much as I do….very soon.
From where I'm sitting I can hear the voices of a man & young girl. They are a porch away from me and hidden for privacy sake. I can only hear muffles of words (so don't think I'm eavesdropping) but I can tell she is crying and questioning. Like all good men, he is consoling her and answering as best he can because it sounds like he's doing his best to reason with her.
Facing death is scary.
I'm sort of in a lull. After traveling all day & night yesterday, my brain is bursting with exhaustion and my body is begging for a nap. Yet, I find myself too wound up to sleep right now. While mom is sleeping….I know I should too. I think my mind is just going through it's own state of acclimating to my new surroundings. Hospice.
I've never imagined being at Hospice. I've visited friends who were patients there and prayed with them. But I've never put that on my list of things to do. I haven't considered myself a candidate for such a place. Now that I'm here I know that it isn't anything to fear. The loving folks who serve at Hospice Centers everywhere are some of God's most unique and caring people. They have a way of erasing all the weirdness that surrounds end of life situations.
Like my neighbors who are talking through their grief and sadness…I feel the strain of what's going to happen here too. I'm not here to visit my sick mother. I'm here to love her as she baby steps her way to heavens doors. I don't have any questions about why this happened and I don't feel angry or sad. I just want her to be at peace.
I spoke to the doctor this morning. I think that having her explain and make important decisions has been the greatest source of help to me. I love how God works these things out. He knew just who my mom would need and even went so far as to do the same for me.
What a great God.
Lord
Thank you for taking care of little details and making sure I made it to be with my mother. Her life has been full and she knows how blessed it's been. Help me do whatever it takes to make her last days special and full of love.
Amen
The strange number on my phone this morning should've jarred my brain to the reality of my mom's condition. I've been home a few weeks while she's been in a rehab hospital trying to make a comeback. Only that's not how the call went when I answered it. The doctor was straightforward with the news.
My mom is too weak to keep going like this.
I knew this would happen eventually but I had my heart set on her improving after all she has been through. The lady is a fighter! I'm so proud of her for the dogged determination to beat it all. This year has been one issue after another and through it all she has kept. on. going.
If I had to choose a trait of hers to take as my own it would surely be her STRENGTH.
I've cried my eyes shut today because after speaking with the doctor I called her room and she weakly answered. I asked her if she was okay with the doctor's directive to go to Hospice. She answered me with what little energy she could muster that broke my heart in two. Her words will never leave my mind …
"Can I just go?"
I affirmed her with a joyful, "Yes, Mom….you can go!" and then I realized what she really meant. Before we hung up she told me she loved me and wished me the best. I tried not to let her know I was choked up because she doesn't need me melting down while a thousand miles separate us. She has no more strength to hold us both up like she's done for most of my life.
I have no choice now. My mom is dying and I'm nowhere near her to escort her there. It's a rare thing for my hubby to be so far out of town that he can't get back but this is one of those weeks. I plan to leave for Florida without him as soon as I can. I don't want her to die alone. I'm forever grateful to my Aunt Teresa and to my mom's very sweet friends who've stayed with her and helped her when I couldn't be there. They are angels and I know that the love they've freely given my mom has been a blessing to her.
For all the history that is between she & I … nothing changes who she is to me, my mother.
Dear God
Thank you for my mother.
Thank you for her life.
Thank you that she wasn't perfect.
Thank you for sharing her with me.
Thank you for the forgiveness that is between us both.
Amen
What does true willpower look like? I've always prided myself on how strong I could be when "sacrificing" for something either not good for me or that I just didn't need to have. I've been known to pat myself on the back a time or two just because I could deny me-me-me a little pleasure when what I really wanted to do was dive right into whatever it was pulling at my heart.
Oh….I'm a martyr. Ahem, not really. I suck. I fall right into the trap of doing whatever makes me happy more often than I'd like to admit. But I have a friend…that really inspires me to tow the line. He lives by some pretty tight rules and yet he knows how to love and serve without breaking the bank. Or the spirit.
I've known him a long time. Not one single day of our friendship have I wondered if he was standing on solid ground. He is driven to succeed. His goals have always propelled him forward (I'm sure he's faced struggles) and he's lived his life with THE BIG PICTURE on his brain GPS. Therefore, he's extra good at biding his time and only making very strategic moves. He's one of the best friends my hubby's ever had too.
He may not know how he influences those around him. His charm is genuine and his heart is truly made of gold. I, personally am so grateful that he's married to one of my best friends who in her own right is probably the sweetest person I've ever known. Together they are a dynamo! If you're lucky enough (blessed is more like it) to be in their family or friend group then you know just how gracious our God is with sharing His love.
Just this weekend, my friend stepped into a big purchase decision. He's savvy with his money and certainly not one to just blow money even though I know he isn't struggling to get by. As soon as I got the text picture of his purchase I smiled. He deserves to get great things. He's worked hard and isn't a flashy or prideful dude. I felt excited for him to slather on a little extravagance. But with the text came a "just trying it out" warning. I prayed for him because I knew above all things he would want to do what was right for his family and honoring to God.
This morning I woke up to a sweet text telling me that the purchase was returned. I immediately remembered how much willpower it takes to be a man like him (the same words my hubby spoke to me when he heard the news). Getting stuff isn't all that important if it has to infringe on your peace. It takes a strong person to deny SELF of guilty pleasures and still remain joyful and satisfied. That's my friend, Dale.
"Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out." Proverbs 10:9
Dale,
You inspire me. You stick up for what is right and make good choices and the best part is that those of us around you get to watch. Thank you for being such a wise example of self-control. God has blessed our whole family with a friend like you and we couldn't be more thankful.
P.S. Thank you for picking the perfect girl to be your wife. She inspires me to be a better…everything! (I love you Tabbi)
Love
Wanda
Today I watched some of the testimony by the mother of Trayvon Martin and his brother. The questioning focused on whom the person was yelling in the background call to 911. Both believe the yells for help were coming from Trayvon Martin. As a mother, I've wracked my brain wondering whether or not I could decipher such a thing under the same circumstances. Would I recognize my child's voice? I think I would.
This got me thinking about how God always knows the voice of His children. I never have to worry whether He confuses my cries for help with someone else. He personally connects with His beloved. What a privilege to be loved that much and what an honor to be known that personally.
Armed with that knowledge…. I feel pulled to know Him more. I don't want to wonder if that's my Lord calling to me. I want to be sure and I can by spending time with Him. Every day.
Psalm 116:1 "I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy."
Lord,
Your love for me is deeper than the ocean and higher than any mountain. I know this because your word tells me so. Help me to know you more and to hear you when you call.
Amen
I'm almost sick to say it's July 3rd and that my summer is halfway over. But it's true! The month of June slipped in and screamed out in what felt like just a couple of days. I've caught myself asking over and over where has the time gone? Then I remember….I spent most of the month bedside with my very sick mother in Florida. Time goes much faster when you're occupied with serious issues. I know the saying is, "Time flies when you're having fun!" but I beg to differ after the month I've just had.
Here's what I've learned during the month of June 2013:
1. Babies of the family grow up too. My oldest turned 23 on the same day as my youngest graduated high school. Talk about a double-whammy! I know, I know….this is what I've been preparing for but geez, it's hard stuff!
2. Traveling with my hubby to new places is a true adventure. Our whole married life has revolved around road trips. We've loved every chance to go somewhere new and have always had an open mind about God sending us to new and exciting places as a family. Now that my kids are grown….it's looking more & more like JUST THE TWO OF US! I like it, too!
3. Shish-ke-bobs are easy & delicious. I've somehow missed out on this quick little scrumptious meal. My family loved them and so did I. You can bet, I'll be making shish-ke-bobs more often.
4. A phone call can change your life. I was busy going about my summer when the call came that my mother may not make it long enough for me to get there (Indiana to Florida). My hubby drove all night and all day to make sure I was there for my mother.
5. Husband's have a special ability to be LOGICAL thinkers. I don't have a clue when it comes to thinking rationally in crazy situations but thankfully for me….God gave me a husband who does. His willingness to have hard conversations with my mom when she was finally able to talk and think straight will forever be written on my heart.
6. Good hospitals are hard to find. After a rotten year of cancer, surgeries, hospital stays and then near death my mother finally fell into the hands of a hospital that took good care of her. It wasn't a big fancy hospital either!
7. Riding in the car for 16 hours with your hubby can turn downright evil when a large bag of PORK RINDS enter into the small space. I can still smell them and I can still hear their crunchy chomp! G R O S S !!
8. A broken tooth can lead to two teeth being crowned, $700 and many weeks of pain that just won't stop. I am claiming the summer of 2013 as the summer of the broken tooth debacle.
9. Cleaning out a shoe closet can leave you stuck with two different flip-flops. Yes, I threw the mates away without knowing they weren't a match. Dangit! Oh well, back to Old Navy!
10. You can't control your kids. No matter how many times you tell them they can NEVER buy a motorcycle (ok, so he's 23 what's your point?) they will still do whatever they want. Therefore, I'm referring to him as the son I USED TO HAVE! Real mature, huh?
June was harsh. It didn't just blanket me with all the summer love I had planned on allowing it to do. It smashed me into a mold that if I had the choice I would've skipped. But God. His ways are not my ways. I feel it's only right for me to embrace the lessons and move forward. Complaining or dwelling on all that didn't go as planned won't change a thing. I'm happy to say that July just might beat June all to heck. Good things are to come!
I just know it…
QueeniesLittleKingdom.com