It's almost Mother's Day. I wish I could just skip it. Everytime May approaches, I begin to feel stressed and miserable. It has nothing to do with my own motherhood either. I'm confident my kids love me and that my husband thinks I'm a good mom. Our relationship is solid. Not perfect but comfortably open and loving. Making a big thing about ME on that day is nice but there's still something that lingers over me. I guess the best way to describe it is a sense of doom or a black cloud of sadness.
Growing up wasn't easy. My mother was never consistent with her love. One day she could be warm and the next, toxic and vengeful. I knew she loved me but her behavior was harsh and confusing. I never knew which emotion to count on. Everything seemed to hinge on her circumstances at that moment. Maybe that's how we all parent and I just don't notice it in my own life. For me, back then….it was a rough way to live.
I couldn't wait to mother my own children.
I promised myself that I wouldn't do or say the things she did. I wish I could say that I've kept that promise but I can't. I've fallen short and acted foolish as a mom myself. I recognize full well that this job is one of the most challenging I'll ever have. Still, I have made it my goal to teach my kids unconditional love. I may have yelled at them in an angry voice but I've never skipped an opportunity to confess when I was wrong or to say I was sorry.
They know I sin because I've admitted it to them and I've asked them to forgive me. I've also shown them by my example that people make mistakes and they are always worthy of forgiveness and redemption. Afterall, Christ died for all not just a few. I was never given forgiveness by my own mother nor was I ever asked to forgive her. Everything that ever happened between us…was my fault.
I deserved it.
Years of this behavior has stolen from me the trust that most share between mother and daughter. Our relationship is toxic. Even talking on the phone is abusive and can make me feel 11 years old all over again. Powerless and pathetic. So, I avoid her.
She hurts me, but accuses that of me. Still, confusion.
Who never calls their daughter? Who speaks with such meanspirited words everytime I CALL HER? Who says horrible things about their grown functioning adult child to anyone who'll listen? Who hasn't sent a birthday card to her daughter or grandchildren in years? Who never says "I'm sorry, I was wrong"? Who has lived her life bitter and hateful towards her own children? Who feels jealousy and envy against anything good in their child's life? Who?
My mother, that's who.
My dreams of a healthy mother/daughter relationship are reaching an end. Her poor health and the distance apart that we live have pretty much completed our destiny. She doesn't have it in her to be the mother that I've needed. Her idea and mine are not the same. For her, being in charge of the entire relationship is what matters most and if I can't accept that…then she doesn't need me. Even though, she needs me.
I don't know if I should hate her or thank her. Because no matter what, I am the mom I am because of her. Nothing I can do can change that. She is my mother. It was her that God entrusted me to 45 years ago. What I do with that now is crucial to what my own children will do with their parenting decisions. I want them to be healthy and loving. While I can't change a single mistake that's transpired between she and I…I can be the mother God has called me to be.
And someday….the grandmother too.
God,
My heart swells with joy when I think of how special the bond is between my own kids and I. It's a love like no other. I'm thankful, proud and madly in love with each one of them. I count them a blessing, a treasure, a privilege that they are mine (and YOURS). Help me understand how a mother can't feel those things for me. I want to be loved, nothing more. Thank you for your love and the mercy & grace you lavishly blanket over me, everyday.
Amen
