Can you see someone you don’t even know and recognize them immediately?
That’s how I felt the moment I clicked on the link that led me to the man who fathered me over 49 years ago. I instantly knew he was part of me. I’ve gone back a hundred times to look at his face and every time, I see something else that’s familiar and me.
I never met him, this man, who was my father. I spent a lifetime wondering who I was and did I look like anyone other than my mother (whom I look very similar to).
I don’t know who is to blame for never having met my father. But, all fingers point directly at my mother. After all, she is the one who raised me. In my heart, I don’t believe she did it to be cruel or neglectful…but in the end, it was both of those things.
The decision to clip someone out of your life forever has to be a hard one. For every facial expression, skin tone, body type….she had to see something of him, in me. How’d she do it?
For most of my life, I never knew.
The person I thought was my dad, kindly fathered me out of his own powerful love. I thank him. And, I thank the step-dad who would come along later and love me into young adulthood. Neither of their sacrifice goes unnoticed.
Still, I feel a great loss of my real dad. I can’t help but wonder all the wonders that a mind can think of about such a relationship – – –
Did he want me?
Did he think of me?
Did he try to see me?
Did he care about me?
Did he punch his dashboard when she walked away?
Did he call her and try to reason with her (for my sake)?
Did he even know about me?
I’ve heard from my aunts that he was a terrific person. He was worthy and upright. He came from a good family. He had a great future ahead of him. Still, I will never know the magnitude of who he really was on this earth. I have no one to ask, no one to see and no one to call.
While I was somewhere across the state in all my high school freshman gawkiness….my dad, Gregory Conway was found shot to death sitting in his yellow corvette in a Kmart parking lot. I didn’t even know he existed.
His murder is still unsolved.
How do I reconcile never knowing him? For me, I have to turn directly to God for that answer. What was once kept in secret is no longer hidden. Both of my parents are dead now and I’m left with so many unanswered questions. Maybe that’s exactly how it was supposed to be.
Still, I wonder….would he love me?
