Queenies Little Kingdom

Maybe you know what I'm feeling when I say that.  I'm home in body but my mind is still back in Florida with my mom.  Even standing neck high in laundry and knee deep in stuff to clean out of the fridge….I'm worrying about my mom.

It's not easy living 1000 miles away.

It was a difficult decision to make when we had to leave on Saturday.  Her improvements and the doctor's assurance sealed the deal for us to return and try to live normal lives for a bit.  Hello, dental work for me (today) and REAL WORK for hubby, we're back!  Still, leaving was very hard.

It's just a matter of time now.  She has to either heal and get better or make a turn for the worst.  Me sitting beside her watching the hair on her legs grow won't change either course.  My choice to be pro-active and come home to my kids (who managed pretty well on their own for 12 long days) was best for them and me.

I understand all too well that much talked about stage of life that involves caring for elderly parents now.  It's a tough one!  Especially when you don't live close by.  I owe my hubby a multitude of thanks.  His willingness to do all that he's had to do in the last 2 weeks blows my mind.  I'm at a loss for words.  He is all that and a pack of crackers too.

Now's the time for me to regroup.  I don't know how much time I have before I'll have to go back.  So, making the best of each moment here in Indiana is my new norm.  Forget summer break.  I'm now on a mission to be ready.  Ready to hit the road and start all over again.

Life is certainly unpredictable.

Dear God,

Thank you for the improvements in my mom's health.  Only you know the reason she's still here with us.  Help me to handle whatever comes my way.  I'm completely at your mercy.

Amen

Yesterday I shared about kids running wild at the hospital and right after I posted it…all heck broke out!  Like, literal heck!  A sweet angel precious friend of my mom's came to visit her and cut off her long matted hair (imagine over a month of hospital bed hair, yea that bad).  While we had mom all twisted in the hospital bed cutting & buzzing, screams & crashing down the hall startled us all to attention.  People were running and yelling….it sounded like EMERGENCY EMERGENCY 911 NOW kind of stuff.

So, we sat there listening.

Back story, first:

Earlier in the day hubby was down in the ICU lobby working at a desk there on his computer.  He's been doing this since we arrived.  It's quiet there and for the most part empty of any people.  Until this day.  A group of people had gathered with THEIR KIDS and by the conversations and actions it was clear that they were there for a relative who had taken too many pills. The people were coming & going like they were at a social event.  It was chaotic and rowdy.  I was at the desk working on my laptop too when I decided I could hear myself think better back in mom's room.  I ditched my guy who was on the phone and in his own world thanks to HEADPHONES!

A few minutes later he came down to the room saying he had to leave or face going to jail.  One of the adults wanted to turn on the tv (it was right over hubby's head) so he came over and tried to get it to work (by standing on a chair and leaning over hubby).  It wasn't coming on so he started trash talking to my guy that it was HIS COMPUTER that was causing the problem.  Hubby nicely told him that the two had nothing to do with each other and that it must be something wrong with the tv.  The guy stomps away and complains to someone somewhere and they send up an employee to help with the tv.  The tv person tells hubby that this tv has a feature broken on it that won't allow them to turn the volume down so they leave it off.  However, they got it turned on for the "kids" and clicked to cartoons that blared so loud you couldn't stay in the room.  In the meantime, the dude is still mouthing off.  He's cursing and making snide remarks, all of it directed at my husband.  Nice, huh?  

Seriously, how in the world do these things happen to us?

Note to self:  Don't mistreat innocent people at hospitals.  They aren't your punching bag or your place to direct your mad comments.  Practice self-control!

Hubby just got busy working in mom's room and that's when we heard the commotion.  All kinds of crazy busting loose down the hall.  It seems Mr TV Jerk got into a fight with someone in the group of people that were there holding vigil down in the waiting room.  Everyone on the 3rd floor stood there with mouths gaped open and a look of what to do on their faces.

Police came….arrests were made and now the security guards are on permanent duty.  I can't run downstairs for a drink or walk to the bathroom that I don't get stopped now.  Thanks crazy dude & family.  It's a real blessing to know people like you are walking the halls of the hospital.  Being in PCU/ICU has taken on a whole new level of fear.  These are the people who show up with weapons and do crazy stuff.

So, pray.  Pray that soon….VERY VERY SOON my mom will be moved to rehab.  The staff here is so wonderful and I hate it that this incident has stained the good care she's had.  This hospital has done an amazing job holding her together and giving her another chance at life.

What I'm praying for:

1) Mom's healing.  Whether it be eternal or earthly.  She's at peace and ready for either.  I accept God's plan.

2) My family.  It's been over a week of limbo.  The emotions of leaving kids at home alone (they're of age but not used to living on their own) has been heavy on my heart.  I'm thankful for their encouragement but still I worry about them.

3) The financial debacle.  Mom's bills are piled high.  Stuff has gone unpaid and there's so much to do to set her straight.  She has so much house stuff that could be sold but I'm afraid to do anything for fear of her coming home and flipping out.  What to do?

4) The cost of being here (for us).  Traveling this far costs a plenty.  Gas, food (eating out repeatedly), flat tire, expenses here & there are adding up.  I'm starting to stress over all of it.

5) The future.  What does mom's future look like?  No one can tell.  Only that she cannot go home for a long time, if ever.  This puts me over the edge.  I cannot leave my own family to live here forever.  I feel so torn & guilty & sad & frustrated & angry!

See why I'm barely hanging on?  I need God to hold me together and show me exactly what it is I'm supposed to do.  My heart says one thing and my brain says another.

In the meantime…..I'll just keep listening for God's whisper.

Hospitals can be a strange place.  At any given moment the environment can change.  Some spots are quiet and peaceful other's not so much.  Nurses and staff tend to be busy.  They hustle to this and rush back to that.  Their shifts are long and full of action.  I can't imagine them NOT SLEEPING WELL after working such a demanding job.  They make me feel tired just watching all that they do.  But the clientele they have to deal with must be frustrating.

I've been at the hospital enough this week to find good and bad things about it that make me never want to hang out there.  Like for fun.  Take the neighbors for example.  Since being in PCU my mother has had many "new" neighbors come and go and not all neighbors are good ones (just like out in the real world).  I understand bringing loved ones to visit and love on sick family members but little kids and many of them….not so much.  Hospitals are a place of rehabilitation and it's kind of hard to do that when you have a daycare going on all around you.

So, my advice —

If you have to bring kids to visit, make it quick.  Do what you need to do and get on about your business.  The environment of a playground makes everyone uncomfortable and it's disruptive!  I'm sympathetic to those not having babysitters but like I said….make it quick!  Hanging out all day long while your kids run, scream and jump on all the furniture isn't appropriate…..ever!  Even in emergency situations.

If you have to bring kids to visit, bring them something to do.  The running in and out of the patients room is uncalled for especially when the doors meet with the neighbors doors.  It is noisy and jarring to have the doors swing open and squealy voices and running feet come & go.  Show respect to the other sick trying to get well there.

If you have to bring kids to visit, control them.  Don't just sit there and watch them act like hooligans.  Get up and take care of them. I have literally watched a circus in action just this morning and the mother….just sat there & let them go crazy.  I'm convinced that there will be an even crazier society ahead of us than there is now because of how little parents are disciplining their kids.

I'm growing more and more weary being here.  Yesterday was a rough day filled with pain, back-ups and cruddy news.  Today, it's just chaotic and noisy so I'm not thinking logically.  Before we could even leave for the hospital hubby had to change a flat tire.  This is proving to be even more costly than I worried it would be.  Eating out and eating late is killing us both.  Long days waiting….exhausting.  

If you've ever had this experience then you know….it's costly in every way.  I'm learning the hard way how to minister to other's who might find themselves in this situation.  

God

It's been a rough week and I thank you for all that you've done to show your glory.  Help me to cope and to know what steps to take next.  The needs are so many….and I know you see each one.  Take care of what I certainly can't and help me be where you want me to be.  With a righteous attitude.

Amen

After being on bedside vigil almost a full week….I'm growing a bit weary.  I realized yesterday that I hadn't really smiled since getting here.  I like being happy and this whole debacle hasn't been a happy one. The circumstances have been strained to say the least. I can't even begin to describe the stuff my hubby has done.  He's holding IT ALL together.

I know he doesn't mind helping.  But his help is beyond words to me.  He is literally a rock!  A lesson to young women (my daughters included) BE PICKY when choosing your spouse.  He may have to do things you cannot do for yourself.  Make sure he isn't a selfish person.  It will make all the difference in the final outcome.

Hubby & I stepped out into the hall yesterday to chat and while we were going over some things he noticed a friend from Indiana walking towards us.  How funny it was to see Jon, a buddy that graduated seminary with him and that our families have been friends since 1996.

God sends his love in the coolest ways.

Somehow, I have to find the state of mind to be joyful and smile again.  I'm struggling to manage the up & down emotions of all that is happening.  I need every prayer that is uttered and I thank everyone who has pounded on heaven's doors.  I'm convinced that this is what is sustaining me everyday.

I'm missing my kids and sleeping in my own bed.  Not being home reminds me how comfortable it is there.  It's like my power is drained and my charger cord only works in my own house.  That's what makes home – home, right?  Feeling safe and secure.

Home really is where the heart is.