Posts Tagged ‘anger’

Anger Landlord

Monday, January 7th, 2019

I’ve been renting out space in my heart to anger. I’m embarrassed admitting it, but it’s true. I have a whole room full of bitter rage towards people who have no single thought of me at all. I catch myself crying out to God to take my hurt away and some days, I feel like I’m okay. Then, my circumstances or what feels like a result of all that’s happened sneak back up and remind me of all the scars I have from the whole experience.

The trouble for me is that my anger doesn’t hurt them at all. They’re fine. Happy, even. Fulfilled and satisfied. Meanwhile, I’m bathing in a hot boiling poisonous tub of anger! I want to lash out and hurt back. Which in truth, I am doing that….only it’s me feeling all the pain. They are free.

What is it about anger that literally consumes us and fills us with such a dark ugly pain? Is it the “what if” of our situation? What if the thing that hurts so much didn’t happen? Would we be okay then? Would my heart not burn with frustration or bitterness? Could I wake up and not think of what happened as a personal act against me? Maybe I’m just not the person I should be. Maybe my heart is just a dirty black hole of unforgiveness.

I woke up this morning with chest pains. I had been dreaming about an argument I was having with a stranger at a church I’d never attended. She was scolding me for the way I treated another employee there. I tried everything to defend myself and with every explanation, she shut me right back down. I felt helpless. When I woke up, I could see my anger right in front of my face as if it were an ugly photograph of my insides.

I felt all the pain of the last 850 days pressing me down as if it were a heavy monster pinning me to the bed.

Anger is poisonous. It’s destructive and it robs us of peace. It steals our joy and as if it were rubbing salt into our wounds, it hurts inside and out. Anger changes us and replaces who we once were with a bitter version of who we never intended to be.

My rental space is coming up on the market. I’m only interested in tenants of joy, peace and forgiveness. Like cleaning out the garbage and slapping on fresh paint to the walls, my heart space has no room for the destructive vice of anger. Only love.

Love for the ones who’ve hurt me.
Love for the pain and living through it.
Love for the opportunity to see what needs to go from my heart & mind.
Love for all that God has secured and protected while I was mad as hell.
Love for those who never ever deserve it.
Love for a life that has been given even when I squandered it.
Love for all the new in my life.
Love for what was.
Love for what will be.
Love for learning the hard way to snap the heck out of it.
Love for myself.
Love for a God who sees, hears and still loves when I’m most unlovable.
Love for a heart that is human and frail but still chases God.
Love for reminding me, I will be okay.

So, here I am….doing a total flip job on my heart.

Dear Lord,

How ever do you love a servant like me? Angry, vicious and miserable? I have stood at heavens doors screaming and complaining about every misdeed done against me. When all the while, you stood strong listening and loving me. Why? I confess my anger and my resentment towards those who in my own mind I see as cruel and heartless. Forgive me for feeling so bitter towards them. I have been wrong. Help me to clear out the space I’ve been filling with the hottest anger and replace it with only love.

Amen

Unoffendable

Tuesday, September 11th, 2018

When was the last time someone offended you? If you’re living in the world and walking amongst its people, probably not very long ago. It’s easy to get your feelings hurt or your ego squished. We live in a society gone mad in a sense, thanks to keyboard warriors and endless social media sites to camp out on all hours of the day. You can pretty much count on someone stepping on your toes if you dabble at all in any arena where people live and function.

We are humans, afterall.

Not a day goes by that I don’t find something annoying or offensive online. I read posts from friends or acquaintances and cringe at the thoughtlessness behind some of them. Thankfully, God is quick to remind me that I am no different than any other person who posts my beliefs or ideals on the internet. It’s all a heart issue. What’s in our hearts, we spill out.

That’s convicting, huh?

I’ve been wondering, what’s it like to live without offense? The one person who had every right to be offended was treated as offensively as a person ever has been yet HE FORGAVE every one of his offenders. My answer comes in the form of Jesus. He knew offense and he forgave anyway. What a challenge to my own flesh!

Been offended?

I’ve felt the sting of exclusion in friendships.

I’ve experienced being gossiped about.

I’ve been lied to and about in my community and relationships.

I’ve walked the pain of backstabbing so-called friends and even church people.

I’ve been on the receiving end of ugliness & even hate.

I’ve been falsely accused.

I’ve known two-faced people with bad intentions towards me and my family.

I’ve had hurtful words said to me.

….

I’ve experienced being offended, wounded and hurt beyond what words can describe and I AM STILL ALIVE AND WELL.

If you just peek out in the world, you will find the hurt that’s there in the form of offense. Someone somewhere is lurking around with a heart that’s all messed up and they will find you. You cannot hide from the pain of offense. It’s here, there and everywhere.

However, you can live with an attitude of forgiveness.

This might sting a little but there’s real freedom in NOT TAKING something personally. No matter who or how someone treats you — it DOES NOT reflect on you (or me). It reveals everything about them. Worrying about what someone says or does to us can be exhausting! People are flawed, they’re hurting and from my own life experience….hurting people really do try to hurt other people.

If you are feeling like others constantly dump their poison & anger on you, you can do something about it. First, forgive them. Pray for them and ask God to help you love them like HE DOES (because, guess what? GOD LOVES THAT PERSON). Second, come to grips with the fact that if what they say to you offends you, you might be a little off-balance yourself. What is going on in your own heart that your first inclination is to be offended? Is it a hate issue? Is it that you just want to stay the same and never grow? Listen, I have grown more from the pain in my life than I’ve ever grown from joy.

Stop being offended.

You are not a delicate daisy. You are strong, you are smart and you are God’s child. You are capable of living unoffended. If Jesus could do it, so can you (and me).

I’m convinced that the enemy enjoys the broken relationships of our lives more than anything else. If he can keep us angry, jealous or in a state of dislike with one another…what better way of destroying the good that can come from healed people. When we wallow in our hurt, we are not in the game of loving outside of ourselves.

Somebody out there needs you (and me) and if we’re trapped in an offendable state, we’re useless!