Posts Tagged ‘love’

Anger Landlord

Monday, January 7th, 2019

I’ve been renting out space in my heart to anger. I’m embarrassed admitting it, but it’s true. I have a whole room full of bitter rage towards people who have no single thought of me at all. I catch myself crying out to God to take my hurt away and some days, I feel like I’m okay. Then, my circumstances or what feels like a result of all that’s happened sneak back up and remind me of all the scars I have from the whole experience.

The trouble for me is that my anger doesn’t hurt them at all. They’re fine. Happy, even. Fulfilled and satisfied. Meanwhile, I’m bathing in a hot boiling poisonous tub of anger! I want to lash out and hurt back. Which in truth, I am doing that….only it’s me feeling all the pain. They are free.

What is it about anger that literally consumes us and fills us with such a dark ugly pain? Is it the “what if” of our situation? What if the thing that hurts so much didn’t happen? Would we be okay then? Would my heart not burn with frustration or bitterness? Could I wake up and not think of what happened as a personal act against me? Maybe I’m just not the person I should be. Maybe my heart is just a dirty black hole of unforgiveness.

I woke up this morning with chest pains. I had been dreaming about an argument I was having with a stranger at a church I’d never attended. She was scolding me for the way I treated another employee there. I tried everything to defend myself and with every explanation, she shut me right back down. I felt helpless. When I woke up, I could see my anger right in front of my face as if it were an ugly photograph of my insides.

I felt all the pain of the last 850 days pressing me down as if it were a heavy monster pinning me to the bed.

Anger is poisonous. It’s destructive and it robs us of peace. It steals our joy and as if it were rubbing salt into our wounds, it hurts inside and out. Anger changes us and replaces who we once were with a bitter version of who we never intended to be.

My rental space is coming up on the market. I’m only interested in tenants of joy, peace and forgiveness. Like cleaning out the garbage and slapping on fresh paint to the walls, my heart space has no room for the destructive vice of anger. Only love.

Love for the ones who’ve hurt me.
Love for the pain and living through it.
Love for the opportunity to see what needs to go from my heart & mind.
Love for all that God has secured and protected while I was mad as hell.
Love for those who never ever deserve it.
Love for a life that has been given even when I squandered it.
Love for all the new in my life.
Love for what was.
Love for what will be.
Love for learning the hard way to snap the heck out of it.
Love for myself.
Love for a God who sees, hears and still loves when I’m most unlovable.
Love for a heart that is human and frail but still chases God.
Love for reminding me, I will be okay.

So, here I am….doing a total flip job on my heart.

Dear Lord,

How ever do you love a servant like me? Angry, vicious and miserable? I have stood at heavens doors screaming and complaining about every misdeed done against me. When all the while, you stood strong listening and loving me. Why? I confess my anger and my resentment towards those who in my own mind I see as cruel and heartless. Forgive me for feeling so bitter towards them. I have been wrong. Help me to clear out the space I’ve been filling with the hottest anger and replace it with only love.

Amen

The First 3 Rows

Monday, June 25th, 2018

If I were to ask you, “What are you doing with your life?” right this moment….how would you answer? Let me ask it another way, What are you living for? What gets you up out of bed and pushes you to do what you do? Why are you doing it? Are you simply on the treadmill of life, working a job every day…paying bills, waiting for that call to glory?

I only ask because so often many of us get trapped in this cycle of repetition and lose focus on the stuff that really matters in life.

As a woman, I’ve definitely relied on what the world has conditioned me to think was important for me and my life. I followed a plan. Not too risky, not too pathetic but just right as to not be judged or ridiculed by what society says is a worthy style of living. You know, tip-toe carefully around really living out loud.

Who wants to step on anyone’s toes? Not me.

From a graveside, I heard a gentleman describe his life in 10 year chunks. He was reflecting back on his relationship with his mother. She had been dead 10 years at this point and he reminisced about what life looked like when she was alive. He was B U S Y! He was on the hustle. He worked very long hours, he met with tons of clients and he spent hours on the phone with people who really have no connection to him or his life other than work. As he thought back, he realized most every person from that time period of his life were completely gone from his life. As in, no longer associated with through work or otherwise. They were gone. Not gone as in death, just gone. Many aren’t even in business anymore.

The person who mattered most to him during that time, his mother….she was gone too. Breast cancer ravaged her body and she passed away when he was 31 years old. He admits, he spent time with her and called her on the regular but many of those instances, he was pre-occupied or on the phone talking work. She always loved his visits, enjoyed every bit of him when he was around and was certainly understanding of work stuff.

Probably like many of you & me.

Work is work. It hogs up time. But, geez…we have to work. Bills don’t pay themselves. Not many of us are rolling around in dollar bills that afford us to just do whatever we want every day.

Truthfully? Even if we were able to do that, many of us would choose other things over the most important people in our lives anyway.

Imagine with me, if you passed away today….look at the first 3 rows of people sitting at your funeral. Who are they? Why are they there? Did you love them well? Did you give them your undivided attention and time? Do they know how much you loved them? Did you push them aside to chase other things? Things that don’t matter so much now?

I will tell you, the last 2 years of my life have given me such a different perspective on life. I never realized how much I took for granted until it was slowly yanked away. For me, no one I love passed away….only a job loss. Through that process, I’ve come to value the people in my life much more carefully than the pretty house, porch….flowers and freedom I once thought was so great.

Don’t misunderstand, stuff isn’t bad and neither is working hard a negative thing. Scripture is clear that we are to work and earn what we get in this life. The people in our lives, deserve to know how much we love them.

I see clearly the people in the first 3 rows of my life & death. They are there because of me. They loved me and I will make it my priority to make sure they know of my love for them. All the things of this world will pass away, so will the people. How well you and I love, how we’ve made others feel and the time we’ve invested will not fade away.

6 ways to show your first 3 rows people you love them:

1. Give them your time.

2. Be trustworthy.

3. Allow room for faults.

4. Speak up. Say meaningful words.

5. Forgive quickly.

6. Hug and hold tight. Physical touch is powerful.

Lord,
I’m here on this earth for a reason. Help me to show YOUR LOVE and my own love to everyone you place in my path.
Amen

Day 1: How To SHOW Love

Monday, February 1st, 2016

love 4

I’m so excited to launch this LOVE challenge into orbit (or the internet) for the whole world to see. Over the weekend, I spent a lot of time back & forth in my head trying to come up with ways to keep it classy and yet turn up the burner in marriages everywhere. Especially, my own.

I won’t lie. It was mayhem.

My brain can be a complicated place for many different reasons. I store up piles of unnecessary thoughts and wonderings. I get on tangents and I zero in on the craziest ideas. The good thing is, I can do that and still blog about it with some good content. I hope, anyway.

Did you know you’re unique? You’re designed and detailed with the finest little teensy weensy specific characteristics that make you – YOU! That’s good. Really good. But, did you know that the person or persons you choose to love will more than likely be completely opposite of you? As in, DAY & NIGHT different?

Oh yea, it’s true and that can complicate relationships. But, it doesn’t mean it will doom them.

Loving someone very different than yourself is common. People are doing it all over this world and doing it well. The struggle comes when one or both of the persons have no idea what makes the other one tick. What do I mean? LOVE LANGUAGE.

We each speak a particular language. Dr. Gary Chapman killed it with his book The 5 Love Languages. He wraps the world up in a tight little cocoon of every person generally feels or shows love in 5 different ways. And, man!!! Is he onto something?!

Are you wondering what your love language is? I hope so! Go HERE and take the quiz!

I’ll be honest, I really struggled in my marriage the first few years. Not only was I young and naive to the grown up world of marriage and real life….I had no idea what I needed to have my love tank filled nor how to show my husband the kind of love he craved. So, I floundered around miserably and in turn…missed out on loving my husband to the full extent.

Wonk wonk! 🙁

Once you take the 5 Love Languages Quiz – you can really be honest with yourself about HOW YOU FEEL LOVE and SHOW LOVE. Many of us are showing love the way we want others to love us. Which isn’t bad, but it isn’t always good either. Example: If your main love language is ACTS OF SERVICE and you iron all your husband’s shirts, make a delicious meal and mow the lawn (man, you’re a nice wife)….and he doesn’t respond with some serious gratitude or praises. You are probably going to be feeling pretty mad or resentful. And, unloved.

I know this firsthand. I spent a lot of time aggravated with my hubby because he didn’t care one bit about all the NICE THINGS I did for him. Guess whose love language is NOT acts of service? Yea, my hubby’s.

Knowing how you feel love is the first step in seeing outside of yourself to love others THEIR WAY and not yours.

So, to show love to your spouse….learn his or her language. Then, do what it takes to say I LOVE YOU in that language. You might be surprised how your relationship takes off in a positive way just by acknowledging each other’s differences. It’s not a big deal to have 2 or 3 different love languages than your spouse. It’s part of our uniqueness and often is what draws us to one another in the first place. Go with it.

Today’s challenge:

YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND

Whatever your spouse wants today, do it. If it’s to take a walk or jog, go. Whip up his favorite meal, start cookin’! If it’s to spend intimate time together, get to it (minus the big sigh!). Make it your goal to step outside of you and what you want today and make his wish come true.

day 1 challenge

Even Superman Forgets

Wednesday, February 12th, 2014

superman

 

I was so mad at my husband on Monday.  I didn't set out to be that way.  It just happened.  He forgot his phone on a day that I actually needed to communicate with him.  So, the circus of events that ensued pretty much sent me into ticked-off wife territory within just a couple of hours.

Now, he didn't leave the phone on purpose and I knew that.  Either way, it happened and things got real tough to deal with when I couldn't get ahold of him to help me with the meeting the windshield guys at a friends house.  I trudged on because you know, martyr. 

Marriage is challenging.  Even good ones face issues that test the depths of love.  I felt the testing on this day full blast.  If it could go wrong, it did.  Just by the way each circumstance fell into place, frustration and powerlessness managed to wedge its way into the middle of us.

Ok, I was mad!

But you know what?  I didn't let that change how I really feel about my husband.  The bottom line is that he is who he is and to me, HE IS EVERYTHING!  So, imagine the reaction of the window guy who couldn't get the rearview mirror parts back together when I snapped a picture to send to my husband.  He said, "If I can't get it….he most likely can't do it either!".  To which I informed him….."Oh, HE CAN GET IT, HE IS SUPERMAN!".

That little tidbit surprised Mr. Safelite not because he knew I was frustrated with my hubby (he didn't know that) but because WHO THINKS THEIR MAN IS SO SUPER?!!  Uhh, me!  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if my husband was working on that mirror piece, he could fix it!

I may have a husband who forgets things sometimes (never on purpose or to make my life crazy) but he is a man who won't quit!  He will work and work until he finds a way to make something happen.  I never have to worry or wonder…."Can he do it?".  He just does it.

To me……HE IS SUPERMAN!

Can you say that about your true love?  In spite of his weaknesses, can you see the real man and the real intentions of his heart?

I hope you can because there will be days……there will be crazy days that will put you to the test.  And when that happens, will you tear him apart or will you elevate him to the level he truly deserves?  Husbands have a lot of people to please, ladies.  It's not just us that they are trying to keep happy.

Remember that when your SUPERMAN forgets…

 

The rest of the conversation with Mr. Safelite:

Mr S – "Oh so you're married to Superman?"

Me – "YES, almost 25 years!" 

Mr S – I don't think I could do that.  Be married that long.

Me – You're not Superman then.

Mr S – Did you know he was Superman?

Me – No, it was all by chance!  I didn't know he would turn out to be so amazing! I took a risk and God blessed me!

He smiled and we laughed together at my GOOD LUCK!!!

Long Time Baby

Sunday, September 16th, 2012

Everytime I say I've been married 23 years….I feel really old.  Mainly because I turned 23 less than a month after we got married.  So double that dude and you get the big 4 6 !!!  Wow!  That seems old!

This girl, was young.

To say I had no idea what 23 years would be like with Mr. Kissing in the prayer garden guy…is an understatement.

I mean, really.  I married a policeman who left the armpit of crime fighting jobs to attend seminary.  I moved place to place dragging along our 3 babies for ministry life.  And now, here I sit in some town in Indiana (that is far far from home) married to an IT dude.  Huh?

How did all of that happen in 23 years?

The coolest thing happened today.  The sermon was a kick-off into to a series based on the family.  The pastor's first stop?  Marriage.  As soon as he started preaching, I felt something really special in my heart for my own marriage.  It hasn't been easy to live as one for the last 23 years.  There have been rough times and crummy moments that I know both of us wish we could change.  Maybe those experiences are what glues us together.  Both of us are pretty stubborn.  But more than that…..we see our marriage much like the pastor spoke today.

We have a HIGH VIEW of marriage.  

Proverbs 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

Our marriage is HERE TO STAY.

Our marriage is PERMANENT.

And WE PROMISE to deny ourselves (this can be hard sometimes) and love one another because that's what we vowed to do until death do us part.

Gracious Lord,

My marriage wouldn't mean a thing without you.  Thank you for the covenant love that I have with my husband.  I'm forever grateful that YOUR guiding hand led me to the man who loves me just like I am, so long ago.

Amen

Snow But No

Tuesday, February 14th, 2012

I woke up as usual this morning, tired and achy.  That's normal for a gal with Fibromyalgia.  The entire winter season has pretty much been a bust, so when I saw the snow covered gound outside….I was hopeful for a school delay. 

Not a chance, dude!

Oh well, I'm not complaining.  No make-up days means WE GET OUT OF SCHOOL ON TIME for the first time in a long time.  Winning!

 

Since it's Valentine's Day it's only appropriate to tell the world who I love…

My hubby.  He is and always will be my true love.  I appreciate all that he does for me and for our kids.  He works hard and still has time to do the many strange & time consuming requests we have for him.  Thank you babe, for working until after 10pm last night working on my car.  Hopefully everything works out and you finish it tonight.  😉

My son.  He has the greatest outlook on life.  He teaches me everyday to look at people & situations with a positive attitude.  He knows how to find joy in every situation.  He's lovable & loving!  He's also been a lifesaver this last year in all our running around needs.  Thanks son!

My middle daughter.  She knows how to make me feel special.  She loves to do sweet things for other's and will work tirelessly to make someone feel her love.  I love her hugs and I never get tired of hearing her ask me, "Did you miss me, Mom..when I was gone?". 

My baby girl.  She is a tornado of love.  She's content to be with me (even when her peers are out living it up) and she's shown some great maturity in the last few months regarding boundaries in her life.  I admire her and I love that God let me be a part of molding her values.  She's so easy to love.

My family, friends, and co-workers too.  I feel blessed to have the wonderful people around me in my life.  I know I can count on each of them if I ever need them.  My prayer is that I'm a blessing to them as well. 

Who do you love?

"Since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other.”

~ 1 John 4:11