Posts Tagged ‘miserable’

Anger Landlord

Monday, January 7th, 2019

I’ve been renting out space in my heart to anger. I’m embarrassed admitting it, but it’s true. I have a whole room full of bitter rage towards people who have no single thought of me at all. I catch myself crying out to God to take my hurt away and some days, I feel like I’m okay. Then, my circumstances or what feels like a result of all that’s happened sneak back up and remind me of all the scars I have from the whole experience.

The trouble for me is that my anger doesn’t hurt them at all. They’re fine. Happy, even. Fulfilled and satisfied. Meanwhile, I’m bathing in a hot boiling poisonous tub of anger! I want to lash out and hurt back. Which in truth, I am doing that….only it’s me feeling all the pain. They are free.

What is it about anger that literally consumes us and fills us with such a dark ugly pain? Is it the “what if” of our situation? What if the thing that hurts so much didn’t happen? Would we be okay then? Would my heart not burn with frustration or bitterness? Could I wake up and not think of what happened as a personal act against me? Maybe I’m just not the person I should be. Maybe my heart is just a dirty black hole of unforgiveness.

I woke up this morning with chest pains. I had been dreaming about an argument I was having with a stranger at a church I’d never attended. She was scolding me for the way I treated another employee there. I tried everything to defend myself and with every explanation, she shut me right back down. I felt helpless. When I woke up, I could see my anger right in front of my face as if it were an ugly photograph of my insides.

I felt all the pain of the last 850 days pressing me down as if it were a heavy monster pinning me to the bed.

Anger is poisonous. It’s destructive and it robs us of peace. It steals our joy and as if it were rubbing salt into our wounds, it hurts inside and out. Anger changes us and replaces who we once were with a bitter version of who we never intended to be.

My rental space is coming up on the market. I’m only interested in tenants of joy, peace and forgiveness. Like cleaning out the garbage and slapping on fresh paint to the walls, my heart space has no room for the destructive vice of anger. Only love.

Love for the ones who’ve hurt me.
Love for the pain and living through it.
Love for the opportunity to see what needs to go from my heart & mind.
Love for all that God has secured and protected while I was mad as hell.
Love for those who never ever deserve it.
Love for a life that has been given even when I squandered it.
Love for all the new in my life.
Love for what was.
Love for what will be.
Love for learning the hard way to snap the heck out of it.
Love for myself.
Love for a God who sees, hears and still loves when I’m most unlovable.
Love for a heart that is human and frail but still chases God.
Love for reminding me, I will be okay.

So, here I am….doing a total flip job on my heart.

Dear Lord,

How ever do you love a servant like me? Angry, vicious and miserable? I have stood at heavens doors screaming and complaining about every misdeed done against me. When all the while, you stood strong listening and loving me. Why? I confess my anger and my resentment towards those who in my own mind I see as cruel and heartless. Forgive me for feeling so bitter towards them. I have been wrong. Help me to clear out the space I’ve been filling with the hottest anger and replace it with only love.


Victim Mentality

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019

I’ve thought a lot about myself this year. I realize this doesn’t sound very nice and that’s why I’m confessing it with full abandon. I have zeroed in on ME, MYSELF and I — I’ve thought about other’s too. Not just me. But, for the most part….I’ve radared in on myself and all my problems. Enough so, that I’m deeply ashamed of how pathetic I lived in 2018.

Don’t get me wrong, things were bad.

My life was one wonky son-of-a-gun on the edge of tumbling straight into the hole of nowhere. Oh dang! Here I go again focusing on me and my troubles.
Let me start over.

I’ve been a mixed bag of feeling sorry for myself & doubting my life would ever make sense again. The strangest part of all that misery is that I’m not the only sucker to have problems. The world is full of hurting people, many hurting much deeper than I’ve ever hurt. Yet, I compounded my pain by complaining and lamenting about it to whomever would sit still long enough to listen.

This morning, I took a bite out of the best advice I could’ve received for the upcoming new year — STOP COMPLAINING! God has given me a great life, not a perfect one but a fantastic & blessed life. One that I can be proud of and one that is rich in ways that many never know. I am loved, I am safe and I am living proof that God is good and blesses the most undeserving of all.

Why have I wasted so many dumb days wallowing in self-pity?

2019 offers a fresh start in many ways, but for me I recognize the best NEW THING I can do for myself and those around me is to knock off the whining and ridiculous cloud of doom overhead. It’s not only a gift to others but a gift to myself.

Self-pity causes…

Lack of faith
Jaded outlook
Frown lines –> Y’ALL!
Sour attitude
Jerky behavior
Doom & gloom
Mean spirit
Negative thinking
Black heart

And more!

Now that I’ve admitted my problem, it’s time to do something about it. I’m signing a contract with myself to make 2019 a year with as little complaining as possible. YOU’RE ALL WELCOME!! Whenever I feel inclined to gripe and fuss about whatever it is in my life that bothers me or worries me — I commit to pray about it instead of unleashing my unwanted misery onto the world around me.

Looking back at how much I smothered the people I love most with my complaining, I OWE EVERY ONE OF YOU AN APOLOGY! And a THANK YOU! Because the truth of it is that I needed to be heard and many of you listened even when you knew in your heart I needed to just shut up. Thank you for encouraging me when I was at my lowest and for believing that what felt like impending doom would one day end.

It was hard. Yet, here I am.