Confession: I withhold grace from people I love.
I’ve always known this about myself and I’ve worked on being better a million times but yesterday as I walking to the mailbox, I felt God whisper to me my inability to extend grace. At first, I wondered where that thought came from then….I realized God was nudging me, reminding me to snap out of it.
So much has happened this year. I’ve had time to reflect on my life and how I’ve lived it. Maybe more than I really needed. Nothing is wasted with God so, I’ll take all of the looking back as a lesson in becoming better.
My children experienced my graceless mothering over the years and I know they love me and even forgive me…but, I can see how that has crippled much of my relationship with them. They feel as if they can’t please me and I blame it on my wielding the sword of perfectionism over them. Each of them are beautiful, unique and wonderful people. I’ve always known it and I’ll always believe it. It’s me that pushed too hard, blazed over them when they made mistakes and left them hurting by my angry silence.
That grace, the holding it so tightly….hurts everyone.
My kids are all grown and gone but I can see the effects of my grace hoarding in their lives. I can tell that they handle me with caution. I don’t think they do it to hurt me but I know it is just a consequence of my own doing. I grew up with a mom who couldn’t give grace. There was no moment in my life where she said, “Hey, that’s okay!” “Don’t worry about it!”. She was the opposite. She lauded her fury over me, beat me down physically & spiritually. I never received the grace I needed from her.
No one has ever been given more grace (BY GOD) than me. He has gone over-board loving me fully and unconditionally. My life, many times has been like a trainwreck! Still, G R A C E was plentiful and even sweet over my foolishness.
Why? Why have I lived hoarding my own grace?
I can’t answer. I won’t blame. I’ll just make it my priority to offer it out every chance I get.
Grace for you.
Grace for me.
Grace for everyone.
Amen.
