Archive for June, 2013

Hospitals & Children

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013

Hospitals can be a strange place.  At any given moment the environment can change.  Some spots are quiet and peaceful other's not so much.  Nurses and staff tend to be busy.  They hustle to this and rush back to that.  Their shifts are long and full of action.  I can't imagine them NOT SLEEPING WELL after working such a demanding job.  They make me feel tired just watching all that they do.  But the clientele they have to deal with must be frustrating.

I've been at the hospital enough this week to find good and bad things about it that make me never want to hang out there.  Like for fun.  Take the neighbors for example.  Since being in PCU my mother has had many "new" neighbors come and go and not all neighbors are good ones (just like out in the real world).  I understand bringing loved ones to visit and love on sick family members but little kids and many of them….not so much.  Hospitals are a place of rehabilitation and it's kind of hard to do that when you have a daycare going on all around you.

So, my advice —

If you have to bring kids to visit, make it quick.  Do what you need to do and get on about your business.  The environment of a playground makes everyone uncomfortable and it's disruptive!  I'm sympathetic to those not having babysitters but like I said….make it quick!  Hanging out all day long while your kids run, scream and jump on all the furniture isn't appropriate…..ever!  Even in emergency situations.

If you have to bring kids to visit, bring them something to do.  The running in and out of the patients room is uncalled for especially when the doors meet with the neighbors doors.  It is noisy and jarring to have the doors swing open and squealy voices and running feet come & go.  Show respect to the other sick trying to get well there.

If you have to bring kids to visit, control them.  Don't just sit there and watch them act like hooligans.  Get up and take care of them. I have literally watched a circus in action just this morning and the mother….just sat there & let them go crazy.  I'm convinced that there will be an even crazier society ahead of us than there is now because of how little parents are disciplining their kids.

I'm growing more and more weary being here.  Yesterday was a rough day filled with pain, back-ups and cruddy news.  Today, it's just chaotic and noisy so I'm not thinking logically.  Before we could even leave for the hospital hubby had to change a flat tire.  This is proving to be even more costly than I worried it would be.  Eating out and eating late is killing us both.  Long days waiting….exhausting.  

If you've ever had this experience then you know….it's costly in every way.  I'm learning the hard way how to minister to other's who might find themselves in this situation.  

God

It's been a rough week and I thank you for all that you've done to show your glory.  Help me to cope and to know what steps to take next.  The needs are so many….and I know you see each one.  Take care of what I certainly can't and help me be where you want me to be.  With a righteous attitude.

Amen

 

 

Broken Smile

Tuesday, June 18th, 2013

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After being on bedside vigil almost a full week….I'm growing a bit weary.  I realized yesterday that I hadn't really smiled since getting here.  I like being happy and this whole debacle hasn't been a happy one. The circumstances have been strained to say the least. I can't even begin to describe the stuff my hubby has done.  He's holding IT ALL together.

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I know he doesn't mind helping.  But his help is beyond words to me.  He is literally a rock!  A lesson to young women (my daughters included) BE PICKY when choosing your spouse.  He may have to do things you cannot do for yourself.  Make sure he isn't a selfish person.  It will make all the difference in the final outcome.

Hubby & I stepped out into the hall yesterday to chat and while we were going over some things he noticed a friend from Indiana walking towards us.  How funny it was to see Jon, a buddy that graduated seminary with him and that our families have been friends since 1996.

God sends his love in the coolest ways.

Somehow, I have to find the state of mind to be joyful and smile again.  I'm struggling to manage the up & down emotions of all that is happening.  I need every prayer that is uttered and I thank everyone who has pounded on heaven's doors.  I'm convinced that this is what is sustaining me everyday.

I'm missing my kids and sleeping in my own bed.  Not being home reminds me how comfortable it is there.  It's like my power is drained and my charger cord only works in my own house.  That's what makes home – home, right?  Feeling safe and secure.

Home really is where the heart is.

thanks 

Pulling Strings

Monday, June 17th, 2013

I almost feel like a puppet on a string.  I'm bouncing from this to that.  The hospital is my landing ground.  I sit and I wait.  I help and I sit quietly.  Progress is being made and I can't decide if I'm being selfish by wishing something would happen faster.  Get better here or live victoriously in heaven.

Rushing to a loved one's bedside is never without complications.

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Today is day 6 of my hubby & I being here.  It was grim on Tuesday & Wednesday but everyday she has shown some improvement.  I can't make sense out of medical jargon so I'm grateful for my husband's knowledge and presence.  However, he can't stay here indefinitely!  He has a job.  A demanding job that requires him to be there.  

So, something has to be decided.

I covet your prayers, for my mother and for us.  Pray that God would make clear what steps to take to move forward.  Traveling 1000 miles isn't easy and doing it repeatedly just isn't affordable.  

As a daughter….I'm feeling torn!

Lord,

I'm at peace.  She's at peace.  Both of us trust your direction.  Make it clear to each of us what to do next.  Thank you for your grace and even more for your mercy.

Amen

A Real Dad

Saturday, June 15th, 2013

I got a little afraid as I stood at the altar that sunny September day.  Maybe it was because I was just a kid (almost 23) and not sure if I wanted to "grow up" quite yet.  But I didn't turn and run …. I stayed still and prayed in my head to God for His protection and His guidance for my marriage.

 

I knew, I would need it.

For the last 24 years, I've thought about that scary moment in my life many times and when I do….I smile.  I smile because I understand how God was preparing me all along for just the right one for me.  I'm right where I belong because I HAVE TRUSTED GOD with every single moment of our lives together.

I wish every marriage was built on that kind of trust.

In my selfishness, I praise God for giving me the husband he has because HE'S ALL MINE (remind me that when I want to box his ears).  He loves me like no other and he's willing to walk through fire if it helped me in anyway.  There's not anything I could ask for that he wouldn't do his best to make happen.  He's the kind of man that is devoted….to the core!  But like a cherry on top of all his amazing hubbyness –> HE IS THE WORLD'S BEST DAD!

It takes a real man to be a dad.  Sissies need not apply!  Dad's can't wing it and get away with it.  He has and will do the hard stuff.  It's worth it to him to go the extra mile and it shows in his relationship with each of our punks.  They trust him, they rely on him, they go to him, they need him and they are proud of him.

Sometimes I catch myself wishing I had experienced that kind of fatherly love…..then I remember, I have.  Everyday as I parent alongside him, I experience what it's like to have a dad who's crazy about you!

 

Happy Father's Day, Honey!  You are one of a kind heart

**Thank you to my in-laws.  They loved my husband enough to train him & prepare him for me & the grandchildren they love so much!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO YOU POPPY!!!

 

 

Searching

Friday, June 14th, 2013

I've heard so many times how important it is to have everything ready in case of a death and I'm finding out how true that really is.

These things are easy to ignore when you're going about living.  Now that we're facing a grim reality the business side of dying is begging for all my attention.  I feel overwhelmed!

I need prayer.  I need God's divine intervention.

Hubby and I have searched for important documents, gone through mail (old & new), tended to the lonely dog and tried to make sense of all that's happening late at night after we leave the hospital.  Last night I finally fell into bed (the pull-out couch) and cried.  I can't handle making big decisions that involve so many laws and rules.  It's all too complicated!

I want to love my mother on into eternity with Christ.  Not search for stuff I have no idea where she might have stashed.

So, for those of you convinced that you don't need to handle end of life business now…..get busy!  Take care of your insurance policies, switch over power of attorney (if needed), write out your will (legally, not on a piece of notebook paper) and make arrangements on home ownership and or deeds.  Help your family so they can focus on what's most important.  YOU!

Sitting Bedside

Thursday, June 13th, 2013

I had no idea that I'd be sitting in a hospital in Florida this week.  Here I am.  Beside the one who gave me life so long ago.  She's reached the point of giving up.  Her body has taken such a beating that it's struggling to hang on.  This last year of medical issues wiped out the person I've called my mother.

As my hubby and I raced through the night to be with her….I thought about our past.  The rocky, painful, hard and abusive past.  So much sadness there.  I can still feel every bit of it but I don't hate because of it.  There's no time for that anyway.  

Shouldn't the end of a person's life be just as wonderful as the beginning?

I'm grateful for my mother.  In spite of her mistakes, she made a lot of good decisions too.  As a teenager, she didn't have to give birth to me or even keep me but she did.  I can't imagine what that would be like.  I cannot judge her for her lack of knowledge or resources to be the kind of mom God intended her to be.  She was just a kid herself.

Sometimes I see her in the mothering that I do.

As I sit by her side now I'm reminded how much she loved me.  All my life, she loved me.  She wanted to be a good mom and in her own way….believed she was one.  Abuse leaves a dirty stain.  No matter the type (physical, emotional, psychological). 

I forgive her.

The doctors see no chance of recovery now.  So, I wait.  Quietly by her side….making her as comfortable as I can.  Listening to her labored breathing and speaking words of love over her.  Nothing can change who she is to me.  She's my mother and I love her.

My prayer for her is that she would know the peace & forgiveness that I feel.  I want her to be happy and to know that I trust God to do what is best for her right now.  Her life has meant something.  Her love has been felt.  From the phone calls of so many….I have heard of the impact she's had on other's.  

Letting go is never easy but my heart feels ready and my mind is in agreement that she has made her peace.

Jesus is just on the other side, Mom.  Let go of here…I will always love you.