Broken Smile

June 18th, 2013

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After being on bedside vigil almost a full week….I'm growing a bit weary.  I realized yesterday that I hadn't really smiled since getting here.  I like being happy and this whole debacle hasn't been a happy one. The circumstances have been strained to say the least. I can't even begin to describe the stuff my hubby has done.  He's holding IT ALL together.

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I know he doesn't mind helping.  But his help is beyond words to me.  He is literally a rock!  A lesson to young women (my daughters included) BE PICKY when choosing your spouse.  He may have to do things you cannot do for yourself.  Make sure he isn't a selfish person.  It will make all the difference in the final outcome.

Hubby & I stepped out into the hall yesterday to chat and while we were going over some things he noticed a friend from Indiana walking towards us.  How funny it was to see Jon, a buddy that graduated seminary with him and that our families have been friends since 1996.

God sends his love in the coolest ways.

Somehow, I have to find the state of mind to be joyful and smile again.  I'm struggling to manage the up & down emotions of all that is happening.  I need every prayer that is uttered and I thank everyone who has pounded on heaven's doors.  I'm convinced that this is what is sustaining me everyday.

I'm missing my kids and sleeping in my own bed.  Not being home reminds me how comfortable it is there.  It's like my power is drained and my charger cord only works in my own house.  That's what makes home – home, right?  Feeling safe and secure.

Home really is where the heart is.

thanks 

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Pulling Strings

June 17th, 2013

I almost feel like a puppet on a string.  I'm bouncing from this to that.  The hospital is my landing ground.  I sit and I wait.  I help and I sit quietly.  Progress is being made and I can't decide if I'm being selfish by wishing something would happen faster.  Get better here or live victoriously in heaven.

Rushing to a loved one's bedside is never without complications.

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Today is day 6 of my hubby & I being here.  It was grim on Tuesday & Wednesday but everyday she has shown some improvement.  I can't make sense out of medical jargon so I'm grateful for my husband's knowledge and presence.  However, he can't stay here indefinitely!  He has a job.  A demanding job that requires him to be there.  

So, something has to be decided.

I covet your prayers, for my mother and for us.  Pray that God would make clear what steps to take to move forward.  Traveling 1000 miles isn't easy and doing it repeatedly just isn't affordable.  

As a daughter….I'm feeling torn!

Lord,

I'm at peace.  She's at peace.  Both of us trust your direction.  Make it clear to each of us what to do next.  Thank you for your grace and even more for your mercy.

Amen

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A Real Dad

June 15th, 2013

I got a little afraid as I stood at the altar that sunny September day.  Maybe it was because I was just a kid (almost 23) and not sure if I wanted to "grow up" quite yet.  But I didn't turn and run …. I stayed still and prayed in my head to God for His protection and His guidance for my marriage.

 

I knew, I would need it.

For the last 24 years, I've thought about that scary moment in my life many times and when I do….I smile.  I smile because I understand how God was preparing me all along for just the right one for me.  I'm right where I belong because I HAVE TRUSTED GOD with every single moment of our lives together.

I wish every marriage was built on that kind of trust.

In my selfishness, I praise God for giving me the husband he has because HE'S ALL MINE (remind me that when I want to box his ears).  He loves me like no other and he's willing to walk through fire if it helped me in anyway.  There's not anything I could ask for that he wouldn't do his best to make happen.  He's the kind of man that is devoted….to the core!  But like a cherry on top of all his amazing hubbyness –> HE IS THE WORLD'S BEST DAD!

It takes a real man to be a dad.  Sissies need not apply!  Dad's can't wing it and get away with it.  He has and will do the hard stuff.  It's worth it to him to go the extra mile and it shows in his relationship with each of our punks.  They trust him, they rely on him, they go to him, they need him and they are proud of him.

Sometimes I catch myself wishing I had experienced that kind of fatherly love…..then I remember, I have.  Everyday as I parent alongside him, I experience what it's like to have a dad who's crazy about you!

 

Happy Father's Day, Honey!  You are one of a kind heart

**Thank you to my in-laws.  They loved my husband enough to train him & prepare him for me & the grandchildren they love so much!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO YOU POPPY!!!

 

 

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Searching

June 14th, 2013

I've heard so many times how important it is to have everything ready in case of a death and I'm finding out how true that really is.

These things are easy to ignore when you're going about living.  Now that we're facing a grim reality the business side of dying is begging for all my attention.  I feel overwhelmed!

I need prayer.  I need God's divine intervention.

Hubby and I have searched for important documents, gone through mail (old & new), tended to the lonely dog and tried to make sense of all that's happening late at night after we leave the hospital.  Last night I finally fell into bed (the pull-out couch) and cried.  I can't handle making big decisions that involve so many laws and rules.  It's all too complicated!

I want to love my mother on into eternity with Christ.  Not search for stuff I have no idea where she might have stashed.

So, for those of you convinced that you don't need to handle end of life business now…..get busy!  Take care of your insurance policies, switch over power of attorney (if needed), write out your will (legally, not on a piece of notebook paper) and make arrangements on home ownership and or deeds.  Help your family so they can focus on what's most important.  YOU!

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Sitting Bedside

June 13th, 2013

I had no idea that I'd be sitting in a hospital in Florida this week.  Here I am.  Beside the one who gave me life so long ago.  She's reached the point of giving up.  Her body has taken such a beating that it's struggling to hang on.  This last year of medical issues wiped out the person I've called my mother.

As my hubby and I raced through the night to be with her….I thought about our past.  The rocky, painful, hard and abusive past.  So much sadness there.  I can still feel every bit of it but I don't hate because of it.  There's no time for that anyway.  

Shouldn't the end of a person's life be just as wonderful as the beginning?

I'm grateful for my mother.  In spite of her mistakes, she made a lot of good decisions too.  As a teenager, she didn't have to give birth to me or even keep me but she did.  I can't imagine what that would be like.  I cannot judge her for her lack of knowledge or resources to be the kind of mom God intended her to be.  She was just a kid herself.

Sometimes I see her in the mothering that I do.

As I sit by her side now I'm reminded how much she loved me.  All my life, she loved me.  She wanted to be a good mom and in her own way….believed she was one.  Abuse leaves a dirty stain.  No matter the type (physical, emotional, psychological). 

I forgive her.

The doctors see no chance of recovery now.  So, I wait.  Quietly by her side….making her as comfortable as I can.  Listening to her labored breathing and speaking words of love over her.  Nothing can change who she is to me.  She's my mother and I love her.

My prayer for her is that she would know the peace & forgiveness that I feel.  I want her to be happy and to know that I trust God to do what is best for her right now.  Her life has meant something.  Her love has been felt.  From the phone calls of so many….I have heard of the impact she's had on other's.  

Letting go is never easy but my heart feels ready and my mind is in agreement that she has made her peace.

Jesus is just on the other side, Mom.  Let go of here…I will always love you.

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Blogger Beware

June 11th, 2013

….and she has a bit of ranting to do.

You have been warned!

There are just some places in blogland I cannot go.  My flesh can't handle it.  I get all tizzied up and end up mad at myself and whoever's blog it is that rubs me wrong.  Especially when it's a ministry blogger.

JUST SHUT UP!

I'm talking to me but I can't help myself.  I have to tell you, in case no one else has said it.  Don't go where you don't feel comfortable! That includes my blog here.  I have some pretty strong opinions and I don't do a very good job of hiding them.  Mostly because it's my blog and I can write what I want to.  So I do.  But if you're out there trying to find a place to read and grow (in Christ) and the blogger is blatantly over the top with some issues that you disagree with —  Move on down the road.  It's your choice.

I just read something that pushed a few of my buttons that's why I'm all "hair on fire" as I blog today.  I know that it's impossible to always agree on issues with everyone everywhere.  However, when it comes to sin issues and Biblical standards I really try hard to stay on the path of *righteousness.  Afterall, I'm trying hard to follow Christ inside & out with my life.  I never want to mislead anyone who reads my blog or who knows me in my everyday life.  Nor do I want to throw out shocking posts just to get attention or permission to be "out there"  in my lifestyle.

What you see here….is what you get face to face.  Right, friends who know me?

So, if you are one of those folks who finds it difficult to read certain junk don't be bummed.  I do too.  There's nothing more frustrating than reading a ministry blogger who tries hard to live OF THE WORLD all while forgetting that there are others trying NOT TO LIVE that way.  You know, trying to live set apart?

Honoring God with your WHOLE LIFE is pretty important.  So, to those who blog under the guise of holiness yet blurt out garbage on a regular basis — S T O P !!!  It's people like you that confuse and distract unbelievers.  Quit spewing your ignorance and sharing all your pathetic habits in order to find acceptance and affirmation.

You're not being hands & feet…..

 

*righteousness — not some holier than thou stuff.  A genuine desire to follow Christ and to walk in obedience with His ways.  As Christians we are called to righteousness.

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