I’m changing.
It feels like a slow erosion of who I once was is turning into a dark broken version of someone else.
I want my life back. I want to be me again. I want to feel okay.
I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse.
Today is day #102 that my husband hasn’t had a job. I cannot believe it. One minute I think I’m okay, that WE’RE okay and the next I realize time is running out and money has dwindled….and doom is literally right around the corner.
It is destroying me. I can only imagine what it’s doing to him.
I can’t help but describe the pain as similar to a death. Something very important has died and it isn’t coming back. Maybe it would feel different if suddenly a job opened up and we could recover some of what we’re about to lose.
In my head, I can’t help but think of the people who caused this pain for me & my family. My whole family is affected by this situation, in case you didn’t know.
I know, for them….they’ve never once thought of what their decision has cost us. They’re still living their lives. They’re still going out for nice meals, spending money on special gifts for people they love and they are smiling, enjoying their days and nights.
That’s not how it is for us.
We are hanging by a thread. Me, especially.
I cannot get over how easy it is to ruin someone’s life and continue on with your own as if nothing ever happened.
I’m starting to question where God is through this journey. { That’s not good }
God,
I’ve fallen so far into a hole of hopelessness. Help me get out before it’s too late. My world is crumbling and I need your mercy.
Amen
