Posts Tagged ‘overwhelmed’

Change Can Feel Cruel

Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

depress

I’m changing.

It feels like a slow erosion of who I once was is turning into a dark broken version of someone else.

I want my life back. I want to be me again. I want to feel okay.

I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse.

Today is day #102 that my husband hasn’t had a job. I cannot believe it. One minute I think I’m okay, that WE’RE okay and the next I realize time is running out and money has dwindled….and doom is literally right around the corner.

It is destroying me. I can only imagine what it’s doing to him.

I can’t help but describe the pain as similar to a death. Something very important has died and it isn’t coming back. Maybe it would feel different if suddenly a job opened up and we could recover some of what we’re about to lose.

In my head, I can’t help but think of the people who caused this pain for me & my family. My whole family is affected by this situation, in case you didn’t know.

I know, for them….they’ve never once thought of what their decision has cost us. They’re still living their lives. They’re still going out for nice meals, spending money on special gifts for people they love and they are smiling, enjoying their days and nights.

That’s not how it is for us.

We are hanging by a thread. Me, especially.

I cannot get over how easy it is to ruin someone’s life and continue on with your own as if nothing ever happened.

walkin

I’m starting to question where God is through this journey. { That’s not good }

life me

God,
I’ve fallen so far into a hole of hopelessness. Help me get out before it’s too late. My world is crumbling and I need your mercy.
Amen

Tuesday Disguised As a Monday

Tuesday, April 7th, 2015

I’m full-on immersed in a misery that is of my own making (as usual) and maybe, just maybe….that’s the PMS talking because I am no longer ON EDGE, I AM OVER THE EDGE! Never mind jumping. That would be relief! I think I’ll just wallow here in my crazy and see if it all works out.

Hey, I am optimistic…right?

bloggy tues

It all started when I slept in this morning to the very late hour of 8:46 am. Who does that? I woke up, feeling as if it were at least 5:15am. I forced myself out of bed since – hello?…half of The Today show was over and I hadn’t even swigged down any coffee. Then, as if sleeping all day wasn’t enough… my hubby just walked out the door and didn’t even say, “Bye Lazy!”

What happened? Did he not even see me staggering around trying to wake up and say GOODBYE?

I didn’t even look in the mirror, just walked straight downstairs and let the dog out (who just looked at me and wouldn’t go to the bathroom). This part is very important because the rest of my day has been devoted to dog and all the dog problems a girl who doesn’t clean up puke or poop could have. Which brings me to a conversation that I DID HAVE with my hubby last night – he WOULD NOT be coming home until very late tonight.

Right. Long day. No way to be here to rescue me from every disgusting puke pile and looser-than-the-law should allow bowel movement made by our beloved Miss Lizzy.
20131010_180547

Next I went up to make the bed, the one I had leisurely laid in all morning. I shook out the covers, straightened up all the sheets and pulled the last of the bedspread into place when I saw it….DOG PUKE!!! On my pink bed covers! I don’t wash this huge thing very often because it is gigantic and takes forever to dry but I had JUST DONE IT!!!

Defeat.

I went out to the garage and couldn’t figure out why it smelled so horrible until I realized that a bag of fresh stinky garbage had fallen over and some of its contents fallen on the floor! I don’t want to be all dramatic (oh, yes I do) but I had to move boxes of junk off the top of the garbage cans to put the smelly bag in and more stuff fell all over the garage. It was here that I started to pick up on a trend for myself on this the Lords day of 2015!!

So, I went back inside because, what else? Until I realized that there were many glistening spots on the living room rug. Some were great big, others were dots but all of it was either throw up or liquid poop! I fell back on my knees and started scrubbing all the spots of horror and I THANKED GOD FOR GIVING ME A MAN WHO HAS A JOB!!! But also, for a man who would clean all of it up for me if he were only home to do it.

After that, I ate a hotdog and a handful of M&M’s almond eggs because that’s how I cope, people!

blog tues

Just being real. What’s going on in your world? Hope your Tuesday is going much better than my Tuesday pretending to be a Monday.

Turn It Off

Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

Everybody has those "off" days, right?  At least that's what I keep telling myself.  Yesterday (Friday – my favorite danged day ever), everything I touched turned crazy.

— My phone wouldn't send text messages.

— I covered for someone in a class of monkeys.

— My mouse wouldn't work for my computer.

— I ordered, waited the 1 1/2 hr wait, and paid for a cold pizza.

— I had no volume on my tv because our DVR box had to be replaced and when I tried to get volume I totally wiped out tv altogether.

— I had a slap of reality and felt the full weight of moving.  MY HOUSE IS FULL OF CRAP!

— I stabbed myself (during my sleep) in the nose, so hard with my thumbnail that I cut myself and woke up crying.

Then after doing the only thing I knew to help (sleeping it off for the night)….I woke up to a rockin' stomach situation.  Hey, thanks 800 mg of strong anti-viral meds 5 times a day for THE STINKIN' SHINGLES!!

It's 1:36pm and I still haven't eaten any food.  I have stepped up to the plate and cooked a big pot of veggie soup though.  So, no more feeling sorry for myself.  Even when I go to rub my nose and remember it hurts like a beast.  I'm working on my Thanksgiving grocery list (isn't that ironic) and cleaning up the house that has no kids living in it.  How did it get so messy?  I'll never know.

I feel it's my duty to let you know…we all have those days.  The ones where nothing seems to go right and trouble lurks around every corner.  The good news is that we can certainly learn to laugh about them.  If not, we are going to turn surly and angry and then bitterness will rule our very being.  Since I'm not one that wants to hang out in that category for any longer than necessary I'm looking back at that list of issues and laughing.

Seriously, I stabbed my nose?  What was I doing?  Hand jive?

 

One of those days

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

I’m feeling stressed! Overwhelmed! Aggrevated! Mistreated! Forgotten! Frustrated! Really low, actually!

Do you get the idea?

My day has been “one of those days”! I woke up with a huge zit on my face that hurts like nobody’s business (TMI, I know!). I managed to get everyone up and out on time for Student Council meetings this morning. We even had all of our lunches ready. 🙂

Work is wearing me down. I miss my old job! My new job hasn’t even started. I’m stuck in limbo still. Nothing is happening with my room. No tables, no computers….and no students! We are in our 5th week of school. I’m still so nervous about even doing it….which makes me feel uptight. In the meantime, I’m doing clerical type duties! I DESPISE IT!!! I would rather be substituting! I like that!

I don’t want to be a whiner…..but I guess it’s exactly what I’m doing. So, I’m going to focus on what is good in my life. I recognize that I have so many blessings….and I see that God has me covered. I just need to relax and trust Him.

GOOD STUFF–

My family. I have a loving family. We are all alive and healthy. Who am I to complain?
Jobs. Both hubby and I have jobs! That hasn’t always been the case. I don’t ever want to suffer that reality again. Thank you God for providing employment. (But could you work out a raise or two?) 🙂
Kids who love God. What can I say about this? It’s a wonderful feeling to know my kids choose to love God.
A home. While we have struggled to pay for it….we do still have it. I’m thankful for everyday that I live in my house!
Food. We like eating regularly. God makes sure that we can do that. It’s a great blessing!
My computer. I really love it. It’s my favorite toy ever. Someday, I’ll get a real one. Right, honey?
My husband. He’s trying so hard to provide for us. He works all the time and I appreciate him for that. I wish him big success! It’s not a get rich career and he keeps a great attitude about it. Thanks, Don.
The fall. It’s my favorite time again. Even though I can’t afford to buy mums and such to decorate with….I can still enjoy all the great smells and the beauty around me. I will cherish each day of it.
Family weekend at IU. I will finally get to see my sweetboy. I can’t think of a better way to spend my weekend. He’s so worth it!

I have much to be thankful for. God is good to me…even when I’m feeling my lowest. Thank you Lord for loving me and providing for me in so many ways. Help me….to feel at peace!