Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Exceedingly Abundant & More

Monday, October 8th, 2018

I told a new friend yesterday that I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M HERE (in Montana) but I believe God has me here for a reason. I’ve had to tell our story over & over and every time I marvel at all that God has done in my life (and my hubby’s). What a strange and stressful journey! I still cry every single time I have to share it and I’m not sure if that’ll ever change. The rawness feels as fresh as if it were a gaping open wound that just won’t heal.

I met a missionary this weekend home from Jordan, he serves there as a director of an international school. I listened to him on Saturday as he told of all that’s happening in Jordan and the women God is using to inspire him in his faith walk. His school is made up of women employees that are giants in the faith and who aren’t afraid to love on Muslim kids, Baptist kids….poor kids, rich kids and more. Every story he told gave me a glimpse into a life that’s challenging beyond what I know here in Montana. I don’t have to prove to anyone that I am a worthy person or able to do things that men can do (in spite of what our fellow citizens are screaming) in this land I love. I can drive a car, wear cute clothes, speak to whomever will listen and pretty much rule the dang world if I SO CHOOSE!

Other countries, not so much.

The last few weeks have been sort of a personal torture for me. I realize that I’m part of my own problem…nonetheless, I have been one emotional breakdown from a hospital. I feel plagued with hopelessness and that’s NOT GOOD in these days we live. I cry over everything. I cannot force myself out of the funk! I know what you’re thinking –> WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Don’t worry, I’ve asked myself that same thing over & over.

My life is good. I’m safe, fed and I know I’m promised so much. Still, I’ve succumbed to a depression that just won’t shake off. It feels like hopelessness. I have watched so many people that I love struggle to overcome the darkness of depression and I thank God that he’s giving me enough to sense to recognize what’s happening. I want to be okay, probably like many others who suffer this way and I am going to do whatever it takes to beat it.

This is heavy, like a noose around my neck.

I miss my family. I feel lonely. I worry we will never have a house again. I grieve my lost dog. I hate all sorts of things about my situation. I don’t like my fat bod. I can’t sleep. My body aches all over. I look a hundred years old. My birthday is this week and I just want to skip it.

I could go on…

The missionary spoke again in church yesterday and he put up Ephesians 3:20-21 as his focal point in his message. I have read that verse hundreds of times, I’ve claimed it & loved it but not until yesterday did it have a whole nother meaning to me. I sat re-reading it as he spoke, over & over in my head until my heart made a firm decision to really believe it.

Everything I’ve been clinging to and telling myself is bunk! Garbage! I don’t have to torture myself with doom (like I tend to do), I can rest and trust God that HE WILL DO MORE, EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY MORE with me….my life and my future.

I don’t know why I’m in Montana! God does. That’s all I need to focus on for now. The stuff I convince myself will never be or happen is foolish fodder for satan to squander over me. I don’t have to live in fear or sadness. My life is blessed and He is using every bit of my journey to push me on ahead.

I have the most persistent friends, both here & there (everywhere). Every time I think I’m going under….God uses someone who loves me to come alongside me and pull me out of the hole. I can’t take any credit for that, it’s all God. Proof HE sees me, loves me and is taking care of me.

I’ll end with this —— if you are wondering whether it’s important to have someone over for a meal or to invite them out to dinner, IT IS! Do it. Don’t hold your hospitality in for yourself or your family members. I’ve been in more homes since I’ve moved to Montana than I ever have the whole 20 years I lived in Indiana. I’m not exaggerating! I know it’s God, He gets me and understands my need for social interaction. My hubby, well….he is fine never seeing another human. So, for him to give up his free time to eat at friends houses and to go out for pizza when he really wants to work on that DANG SHED/noose around his neck, is a gift to me!

I’m crawling out of the hole, slowly and with purpose. Keep praying for me because as you can see, satan is always lurking.

Oh and please, if you will….ask Him to do exceedingly, abundantly MORE than any of us could ever ask for.

Change Can Feel Cruel

Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

depress

I’m changing.

It feels like a slow erosion of who I once was is turning into a dark broken version of someone else.

I want my life back. I want to be me again. I want to feel okay.

I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse.

Today is day #102 that my husband hasn’t had a job. I cannot believe it. One minute I think I’m okay, that WE’RE okay and the next I realize time is running out and money has dwindled….and doom is literally right around the corner.

It is destroying me. I can only imagine what it’s doing to him.

I can’t help but describe the pain as similar to a death. Something very important has died and it isn’t coming back. Maybe it would feel different if suddenly a job opened up and we could recover some of what we’re about to lose.

In my head, I can’t help but think of the people who caused this pain for me & my family. My whole family is affected by this situation, in case you didn’t know.

I know, for them….they’ve never once thought of what their decision has cost us. They’re still living their lives. They’re still going out for nice meals, spending money on special gifts for people they love and they are smiling, enjoying their days and nights.

That’s not how it is for us.

We are hanging by a thread. Me, especially.

I cannot get over how easy it is to ruin someone’s life and continue on with your own as if nothing ever happened.

walkin

I’m starting to question where God is through this journey. { That’s not good }

life me

God,
I’ve fallen so far into a hole of hopelessness. Help me get out before it’s too late. My world is crumbling and I need your mercy.
Amen

Monday, December 24th, 2012

The day started out with great promise.  As usual, we were running a little bit behind the scheduled time to leave but we had big plans and kept on keeping on.  By the time we were off to our intended destination….it was too late!

It's never a good idea to plan complicated activities on a holiday day.  The stress that comes from trying to do too many things in a short amount of time can be a peace breaker!  Mix in heavy traffic, crowds & a few misunderstandings and you'll find yourself in a full-blown breakdown.  Or at least ME anyway!

I'm not a "depressed" person medically or by nature but something happened to me recently and it wasn't a visit from Publisher's Clearing House.  I didn't wake up unhappy or blue, it wasn't a case of the P M S and I didn't feel angry towards anyone.  But, I felt awful!

Could it be the Christmas blues?

If so, is there somewhere to give that gift back?  It's no fun!  All I felt like doing was going to bed and crying.  Talk about a bummer!  The worst part?  Not being able to just snap out of it.  Really.  

While I was deep in "the hole"  I thought about my childhood memories of crazy moments in my family.  Specifically, when someone would wig out!  I understand how frustrated my Aunt Nadine must have been feeling when she opened the back door and tossed out a cake that went wrong.  Or how snide comments or misspoken words turned up the anger between family members causing a fight that ruined the holiday.  It's so easy to allow our emotions to get the best of us and then reveal our worst.

I'm really no different than anyone else.  I hear a comment that wasn't meant harshly and feel hurt.  I find a mistake (possibly a stain on a new shirt or jacket) and I suddenly feel OCD stressed, time runs out on an important endeavor and I freak.  I come UNGLUED when I least expect it.

Darn you, blasted hypothalamus!

When stress & emotions threaten to steal your joy — scripture can lighten your heart.  Try these if you've ever felt like me and needed God to put you back on track.  

… take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.  2 Cor. 10:5

… whatever is true whatever is lovely, think about such things.  Phil. 4:8

… set your heart on things above, set your minds of things above.  Col. 3:1-2

Lord,

Help me keep my focus on You.  Give me peace when my mind threatens to wander from anything that doesn't come from you.  Fill me with joy when my emotions get the best of me.  And set me straight when I'm off track, please.

Amen

Get moving…

Thursday, July 1st, 2010

We’ve pretty much spent the month of June, sitting around. Bored! Thanks to our whopping budget of nada. We can’t really afford to do much else. It’s not good for the soul, I tell ya! We each have been battling the demons of depression. If you’ve never had a visit from them…..GOOD! You don’t want to hang out in that crowd! It’s not fun or healthy! So, avoid!

This morning when I woke up to beautiful breezy weather….I knew I had to do something to get my kids motivated and productive. They were still able to sleep in and lounge around a bit for breakfast. But, I made a chore list and each of them got busy….including me. We worked on some much needed jobs around the house. It was time, people! We’ve been depressed! No one does housework when they feel all bummed out! Ask any of the many visitors we’ve had!

We celebrated our hardwork with happy hour drinks at Sonic! You can’t beat 1/2 price Strawberry Limeade’s! It’s so easy to fall into a pit (ask Beth Moore) and stay there. Switching up our boring routine today really helped. It’s important to get moving and push forward even when you’d rather go lay down. Depression is real and it can sneak up on you before you know it.

My advice? Keep going! Make lists. Make plans (they can be cheap or free ones)! Get out and walk (alone or with a buddy). Play a game. Have a dance off! Write down things you’re thankful for. Hug someone. Oh and clean your house! šŸ™‚

Am I the only one bored this summer?