I told a new friend yesterday that I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M HERE (in Montana) but I believe God has me here for a reason. I’ve had to tell our story over & over and every time I marvel at all that God has done in my life (and my hubby’s). What a strange and stressful journey! I still cry every single time I have to share it and I’m not sure if that’ll ever change. The rawness feels as fresh as if it were a gaping open wound that just won’t heal.
I met a missionary this weekend home from Jordan, he serves there as a director of an international school. I listened to him on Saturday as he told of all that’s happening in Jordan and the women God is using to inspire him in his faith walk. His school is made up of women employees that are giants in the faith and who aren’t afraid to love on Muslim kids, Baptist kids….poor kids, rich kids and more. Every story he told gave me a glimpse into a life that’s challenging beyond what I know here in Montana. I don’t have to prove to anyone that I am a worthy person or able to do things that men can do (in spite of what our fellow citizens are screaming) in this land I love. I can drive a car, wear cute clothes, speak to whomever will listen and pretty much rule the dang world if I SO CHOOSE!
Other countries, not so much.
The last few weeks have been sort of a personal torture for me. I realize that I’m part of my own problem…nonetheless, I have been one emotional breakdown from a hospital. I feel plagued with hopelessness and that’s NOT GOOD in these days we live. I cry over everything. I cannot force myself out of the funk! I know what you’re thinking –> WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Don’t worry, I’ve asked myself that same thing over & over.
My life is good. I’m safe, fed and I know I’m promised so much. Still, I’ve succumbed to a depression that just won’t shake off. It feels like hopelessness. I have watched so many people that I love struggle to overcome the darkness of depression and I thank God that he’s giving me enough to sense to recognize what’s happening. I want to be okay, probably like many others who suffer this way and I am going to do whatever it takes to beat it.
This is heavy, like a noose around my neck.
I miss my family. I feel lonely. I worry we will never have a house again. I grieve my lost dog. I hate all sorts of things about my situation. I don’t like my fat bod. I can’t sleep. My body aches all over. I look a hundred years old. My birthday is this week and I just want to skip it.
I could go on…
The missionary spoke again in church yesterday and he put up Ephesians 3:20-21 as his focal point in his message. I have read that verse hundreds of times, I’ve claimed it & loved it but not until yesterday did it have a whole nother meaning to me. I sat re-reading it as he spoke, over & over in my head until my heart made a firm decision to really believe it.
Everything I’ve been clinging to and telling myself is bunk! Garbage! I don’t have to torture myself with doom (like I tend to do), I can rest and trust God that HE WILL DO MORE, EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY MORE with me….my life and my future.
I don’t know why I’m in Montana! God does. That’s all I need to focus on for now. The stuff I convince myself will never be or happen is foolish fodder for satan to squander over me. I don’t have to live in fear or sadness. My life is blessed and He is using every bit of my journey to push me on ahead.
I have the most persistent friends, both here & there (everywhere). Every time I think I’m going under….God uses someone who loves me to come alongside me and pull me out of the hole. I can’t take any credit for that, it’s all God. Proof HE sees me, loves me and is taking care of me.
I’ll end with this —— if you are wondering whether it’s important to have someone over for a meal or to invite them out to dinner, IT IS! Do it. Don’t hold your hospitality in for yourself or your family members. I’ve been in more homes since I’ve moved to Montana than I ever have the whole 20 years I lived in Indiana. I’m not exaggerating! I know it’s God, He gets me and understands my need for social interaction. My hubby, well….he is fine never seeing another human. So, for him to give up his free time to eat at friends houses and to go out for pizza when he really wants to work on that DANG SHED/noose around his neck, is a gift to me!
I’m crawling out of the hole, slowly and with purpose. Keep praying for me because as you can see, satan is always lurking.
Oh and please, if you will….ask Him to do exceedingly, abundantly MORE than any of us could ever ask for.
