Who knew that through the hardest year of my life I would grow so much? Year after year, I’ve prayed and asked God to help me grow in my faith. 2017 was definitely one for the books! I had no choice but to grow, it was either that or lay down and die. The pain was unbearable at times. The loss, the lostness….so much and yet God kept me safe, loved and on track.
Maybe it’s maturity (which, I’m still working on guys) that has opened my eyes to what really matters in this life. Jobs, things…being included or liked by others, none of that really matters in the grand scheme of things. My heart has proven to be one of the wonkiest things about me and just because God is completely into our hearts and the condition of them within us as a people — HE DOESN’T LEAVE US AS IS!
So many times I banged on heavens doors begging God to end our joblessness and He heard me. Yet, nothing changed. Except it did. Me, I changed. I woke up every morning starving for a Word from Him. Knowing that another day would come and go without a job offer or a paycheck….I would sit with Him for hours praying and listening.
Something I wouldn’t have done otherwise.
I know what you’re thinking: What kind of Christian are you? I’ll answer you: A selfish pathetic one!
See, I’ve lived 50+ years asking. Not asking the question God wants to hear most either. Just asking for all the wants I have for ME! Give me this, let me have that….gimme gimme gimme! All with a nice little GODLIKE bow on top. Afterall, God loves His children and wants them to have everything they want, right?
Wrong.
He doesn’t care about anything we can acquire here on earth. Really. He doesn’t give a flip about how big your house is or how popular you are. Not a smidgen. He doesn’t look down and say, “Wow, you have made a ton of money child…let me give you more since you’re so good at it!”. Nope. He isn’t about that. Don’t get me wrong, He blesses us. He loves us. But, he’s not all about dumping success on us without some sort of plan.
How we use what He’s given us matters.
I’ve squandered blessings without even considering they were there for me to use to honor God. Maybe you have too. So many times this year I found myself in positions of waiting. Honestly, WAITING could be my word of the year for 2017 but since I gave up claiming a word, nahhhh!
It hurt to wait. It was mind-blowing, painful and heart-ripping! There were times that I had to sit back and watch others dig deep in pockets and hearts to love on people in need or desperate for rescue….knowing that I was one of those in the most desperate need for help.
OUCH!
At times it felt as if I was standing outside of myself watching it play out in a dream. Powerless. I could barely stand it. If felt similar to the scene in the Scrooge where he has this ghostly vision into his life and can see into all that is happening around him and HIS EYES ARE OPENED! My eyes were opened to so much through waiting.
Still, I got up every morning and studied God’s Word. I sat listening, I spilled my heart and I let His peace overwhelm me when I couldn’t stop the desperation filling my head and heart. He was faithful, patient and merciful. Even when I was angry. He loved me.
Nothing has changed but everything is just as it should be.
My heart is healing, my mind is focused on what matters most and God is still working. I may never know why this has happened to us and that’s okay. God owes me nothing, it’s me that’s the debtor. I owe Him. He has given me so much, losing stuff can’t compare to what God has done for me. He breaks every chain, even the chain of faith laziness. 2017 revealed to me just how neglectful of Him that I’d been living. Such a shame.
My future is hopeful not because of anything other than God says it is and I trust Him with every day. I can do hard things. I can wait. I can be still and know that HE IS GOD. Ask me how I know.
So, as I walk into 2018 thankful for every day of the last year….I ask God, What can I do for you, Lord? Not do this for me, but HOW CAN I SERVE YOU with my life? Use me. Push me out there to love, help and do for whoever it is that needs YOU through me. I’m open, my time is yours.
I waited and He heard me.
