I didn't sleep well last night. My mind kept racing through the last twenty-something years of my life. Thoughts of mothering the ones God entrusted to me so long ago bombarded my brain. Have I done everything I should have done? Has my influence on them been effective or harmful? Do they know all that they need to know to face the world without me? Will they choose what's right without me there to guide? Are they ready?
Am I ready?
I can't imagine that I'm the first mama to go through this whirlwind of emotions. My kids are not the first ones to "move out" and grow up. Somehow, each of us must face this head-on and experience every detail of it….for ourselves. I'm rattled by the reality that come tomorrow, no children will live in my home…possibly ever again. That's harsh!
Why is the identity of a woman so deeply connected to being a mother?
Because of God. I believe.
The first time I looked into the face of my first baby(Gavin) I knew that nothing in my life would ever be the same. That same passion ignited with the birth of my two girls as well. A mother's heart is wild with abandon and beats hard to nurture & protect. For me, my children have been my world (like most moms). Every step I've taken has been done with THEM in mind. I chose to put my whole self into being the kind of mother I felt God wanted me to be to them. Not a perfect mother….but a steady, solid and trustworthy one.
The kind of mother that left no doubts of how I felt about them, ever.
At this point, I have no more time to go back and change anything that I've done or not done to prepare them for the world. It's game time! The morals, values and beliefs are all set. My worrying about whether they are strong enough to withstand the world and it's harsh reality won't change a thing. (They) say, "letting go is the hardest part" and to that I say…."I agree!". Perhaps that's the reason I couldn't sleep.
My heart wants to cling. Which makes me want to linger over every stage of loving them. I can't imagine the "moments" coming to an end – laughing around the table, searching for lost items, answering the calls for direction and piling up on beds just to chat. How do you just stop "life" cold turkey?
I can't answer. I just have to step into this new role and learn as I go.
I'm not sure if my heart will ever be the same, again.
Lord,
Thank you for blessing me with children that love YOU & the family in which you placed them. Being their mother has shaped me into the person I am today. My heart beats out of my chest with joy & gratitude for the love I share with each of them and I KNOW….You have great plans for all three of them. Plans to prosper & bless them beyond what I could ever imagine. Thank you for loving them EVEN MORE THAN ME.
Amen
