Throwing Me Back

August 11th, 2016

I’m on my way to the dentist….spent the afternoon with the gyno yesterday and writhed in pain all night last night with my left hand (affectionately known to me now as CURLY because it’s gnarled up and won’t open at all).

So, yea…..had to have help putting on my bra and I’m not even bothering with brushing my hair. But, I’m still smiling. Sort of, anyway. Wait til all the shots get me like YEOWCH at 12 today. 🙂

Here’s something to blow your dang mind on this Thursday baby!

Look back to the 80’s with a few senior pics! Good times. No janked up cavities to be refilled, no gnarly curled up hands and zero responsibilities. Woo to the Hoo, y’all.

I may be “older” but I’m still kickin!

tb mama

And for my final share…… serious attitude face. Fierce! Before fierce was a thing. hehe

tb tb

What a little bitty, huh? Geez, it’s as if …. she knows how this 2 hour dental appointment is about to go. AM I RIGHT?

Oh young me!! You make me laugh. Grow up!

PS.  As I was pulling out of my garage to trek to the dentist and because God has the greatest sense of humor….my very thoughtful Gynecologist called me, personally to inform me that I am indeed in the midst of menopause!  Well, it was a good life.  Goodbye now, I’m on the way to glory!!  Thank you very much!

Goodbye Worst Summer Ever

August 9th, 2016

esca pe

Summer 2016 has officially come to an end. My precious summer gone! The days of sleeping in and hanging out around the pool, going without makeup for days…..over. I’ll miss you, summer!

I can’t help but grovel about what a lousy ending it closed out with this year. I mean, who can call summer awesome when your hubby loses his job? The job that sustains all your well-being? I don’t think there’s a person alive that would say, “Yea, best summer ever!”.

Suck it, summer 2016!

Never one to just sit around and sulk, I’m getting busy. I have a life to live and I have things I want to do. Even if the most needed part of my life is topsy turvy.

If you’ve ever wondered where your next paycheck was going to come from, then you understand topsy turvy. Thanks to this maddening situation, my entire family is feeling upside down. Who can blame them? Imagine being 2 months from turning 50 and losing your job!

Who wants to hire the guy that’s been around the block? He costs more than say, young dude out of college. Jobs are not a hot commodity these days.

So, I’m really feeling ticked!

I’m angry that my precious summer was wrecked by such a thoughtless and cowardly “business” move. I’m mad! I have every right to be mad too. My hubby left another job, I left my job & friends & kids behind to follow this little pipe dream of a job offer. And this is how it ends?

Disgusting.

I’m learning, even at almost 50 years old that people will use you and throw you away when they’re finished with you. And the hardest part? Is that they’ll never even give it a second thought. It’s like being in a flavor of the month club. You’re special or important until they decide they don’t need you anymore.

I don’t want to hear one more pathetic word about THIS IS JUST BUSINESS! That’s crap! Smart business people don’t wreck people and then just get away with it. I’m learning, that…yes, they do.

As a believer, I don’t think powerful decision makers get a free run over the little people under them. God is still King. He is still reigning over His children. He judges the heart and the intentions. He sees the injustice and He rights the wrongs.

Because of that…..it’s my only hope of surviving the stress of my hubby losing his job. God will bless. He also will hold accountable those who misuse their power. My prayer is that He will close out this summer with all the HOPE I can carry and that my worries will fade just as quickly as the summer has.

Goodbye worst summer ever.

god time

God,
I know You have my future in Your Hands. Help me focus on Your goodness and Your mercy. My life is but a vapor. Let it be worthy in Your eyes.
Amen.

Authenticity

August 3rd, 2016

I’m about to get personal.

I know, I always do. It’s my nature to let it all hang out and this post has been rattling around in my heart for years. Like, seriously. A long time.

Before I go any further, I have to tell you….I’m deeply indebted to so many people that have walked alongside me in my faith path. I’m not where I should be, but I am certainly trying to get where God wants me to be. Every day.

In my teen years when my heart was pliable and mold-able, some really dedicated leaders loved on me and helped plant the Love of Jesus in my heart. It worked. I fell hard and in my own foolish ignorance, bumbled around trying to figure out just how to do this Christian believer lifestyle. I lived in a house of unsaved people. Following Jesus was going to be really tricky. Plus, I was a brand new Christian. I didn’t know how to be Christ-like. So, I joined the ranks of other followers and did what they did. Talked like they talked. Acted like they acted.

DANGEROUS. SHEEP-LIKE. NORMAL.

Fast-forward many years. I met a guy, he loved Jesus and we fell in love. We walked the aisle, said, “I do!” and started our happily ever after. Kids came along and we thought we were doing all that God required of us to live a happy and blessed life.

Then, we got restless. We started to wander. Life as we knew it didn’t feel complete. Something needed to happen. So, we hooked our wagon to seminary and took off for the ministry.

My first few weeks at Bible college were filled with anxious thoughts. Not thoughts of – did we make a mistake? But, thoughts of – What am I doing here? I’m a tiny little baby Christian and I don’t know anything about this great big God. I’m weak. I’m naive. I’m simple. I’m not Bible savvy. I’m just a normal gal.

It seemed like every person I met had a super power of Bible knowledge and I was way behind the curve. I prayed for God to help me not feel so insecure. I knew what I needed to do to change that was study God’s Word. So, I did that with a house full of babes. I read my Bible and I studied every lesson I could find. God provided other women for me to lean on and grow alongside while I was there. Those friendships are still solid and longstanding because they were genuine and linked to a common desire – to know and love God more.

They were authentic.

We left seminary because that’s what happens. God sends you out to do THE WORK of ministry. We were warned. We were cautioned as to what REAL LIFE could and would do to our fragile egos and ministry muscles. Like an obstacle course of Jesus Ninja Warrior, the real ministry trenches challenge you. Just when you think you’ve made it to the buzzer goal, you slip and fall. Ministry life bruises you and knocks you around. It leaves marks on your heart and mind that take a long time to heal. It feels like it’s going to kill you some days. It’s also amazing.

And that’s just what ministry is like in the American church. Don’t even get me started about crossing an international line of safety. That’s hard work. That’s hard living. That’s struggle. My life, not even worth comparing to the missionaries of this world. God, love them hard.

We didn’t stay long. We slipped out, quietly around year 10. Something we were warned would happen. Ministers leave the church and its people at record numbers. Churches are unhealthy and so are some in ministry. We’ve seen both. Sadly, we’ve experienced hurting churches and deeply hurting leaders. Satan has tricked and trampled many and continues to wreak havoc on those trying to live for Christ. We weren’t any better.

It’s been about 8 years since my hubby was called Pastor and our kids PK’s. We’ve missed it and then we’ve boasted at how we made it out alive (barely). I have no clue if we’ll ever go back or why we ever would (except, Jesus). I just know, that the past I’ve lived has jaded me.

I long for authenticity.

No matter where we’ve lived or what jobs we’ve worked, I have searched for those that are genuinely sold out for Christ. Oh, there are plenty who call themselves followers or Christians. But the ones who are truly authentic have been rare. Why? I don’t know. I used to think that I was just from another planet. Not literally, but culturally. The south is known as the Bible Belt and just about everyone I know…loves Jesus. Moving north felt a little like I was leaving behind the open trust of living out loud for the Lord.

Honestly, it felt like most people were ashamed of loving Jesus. Like, it was something to keep a secret. Or to yourself.

So, I fell into that hush hush society behavior too. And I felt miserable.

Christians do a great job of being so-so. Me included.

I love God. I am totally His. I don’t have anything to lose for loving Him and yet…..I live like I don’t even know Him some days. I’m ashamed.

He is never ashamed of me, ever.

auth

This topic is heavy, I know. Who wants to fess up to being a lukewarm Christian? I’ve been one and I’ve let my faith sit stagnant on a back burner for too long. Thankfully, Jesus doesn’t offer rest to His children who wander aimlessly. He lovingly allows discomfort and even misery to keep us linked to Him and our true calling in this janked up world. (Welcome, Holy Spirit)

Thank you, Lord.

Here’s what I want you to know – I am just like you. I’m selfish, greedy, foolish, quick to judge, easily angered, wishy-washy, broken, needy and full of myself. I brag about my guaranteed spot in the Kingdom and still I fall flat on my face when it comes to sharing the Gospel. I live with all the blessings God has to offer and I miss out on a million chances to be the face of Jesus to a hurting world. I do a great job of living FOR WANDA!!

And when life gets rocky….. I cry out for help, from G O D !

I’m pathetic. I’m exactly the opposite of what I want in others around me, AUTHENTIC! I want real and I want to be real, to myself….to God and to those around me.

The reality? I can’t do that on my own. I will more than likely fall short. I’ll mess up. I’ll break in two and that’s okay. The Christian faith is a journey.

I’m dedicated to being authentic. Please be patient with me while God works and continues to mold me into the person He wants me to be.

be God

Does God Really Have a Plan For Me?

August 2nd, 2016

pain lord

I’ve had the nerve to question God a time or two during this uncertain time in our lives. I know, right? I catch myself feeling all sorry and down (maybe it’s because the stress of not finding a replacement job is looming overhead, I don’t know) and when I get in that low kind of thinking – I cry out to Him with “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOD?” questions.

As if it’s any of my business.

I know I can trust Him. I know I can hold fast to His promise. I know He can make beauty from ashes. I know He is Lord of Lords and King of Kings. I know He will never forsake me. I know He doesn’t cause pain. I know He uses the broken. I know He can use what someone meant for evil as good. I know He cares about my future. I know He loves me. I know He sees what is happening. I know He has a plan.

I know it all. Yet, here I am walking around bleary-eyed from another up & down sleepless night. My mind racing with thoughts of how quickly the time is passing without a single word of a new job prospect. We could lose our house and more if my hubby doesn’t find a job.

So, knowing all that I know about real life….I can’t help but feel apprehensive about our future.

This morning, God reminded me AGAIN just how mighty He is and that He is mindful of ME in the midst of my worrying. For the last few weeks, the story of Joseph has been pounded into my brain and I don’t believe it’s by accident. While Joseph’s life and mine are not the same (no one’s throwing me down a well to die to get rid of me) much of what we’re going through feels as though we’ve been tossed away and just forgotten. Like, we never mattered.

Joseph endured some rough years all because of what his brothers’ did to him. They meant him harm. Jealousy, dirty-hearted unkindness and sin in their hearts drove them to leave him there to die. I wonder if they ever even thought of him again after they walked away that day.

I’ve felt that about my own situation too. Is anyone even concerned that we may lose our whole world? Has anyone thought about us? Our bills? Our medical needs? Our college kid? Anything? Hello? Anybody?

Are we just done here? Goodbye?

Then God brings me back to Joseph. For years he lived in uncertainty. He was taken to Egypt, bought by Potiphar, given the job of overseer of his house, too good-looking not to catch the eye of an unhappy wife, accused of rape, thrown in jail and there he sat until he was called upon to interpret Pharaoh’s dream….where he finally gets his feet underneath him and proves he can be trusted. The road to success was bumpy, wouldn’t you say? Matter of fact, it was awful. Dreadful.

born for us

My situation feels awful, it seems dreadful. I fear I won’t last 13 years (that’s about how long Joseph was tossed here & there). I need rescuing soon, Lord (picture me, crying out again).

Then, the famine. Guess who comes to see Joseph for help? The brothers who meant him harm. They didn’t have a thought in the world that they’d be bowing down to their own flesh and blood for help. Never in their wildest dreams because they had left all concern for Joseph down in that well years before. He was gone from their lives or so they thought.

If you’ve ever wondered….Does God use what someone means as evil to fulfill His glory? YES, YES HE DOES. Remember Babylon? In the book of Habakkuk, God used the Babylonians (an evil people) to accomplish His will. His purpose was to bring judgement on Judah for their idolatry. Babylon, was His instrument. Joseph’s brothers? His instrument as well. What they did out of the meanness of their hearts, God used to fulfill His divine plan.

“You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” Genesis 50:20

I know I can hold fast to God’s ultimate plan for my future. I believe He is going to bless my family in spite of what feels like turmoil and unease. I know good can come from what seems like disaster. And I know, HE WILL USE WHOMEVER AND WHATEVER TO FULFILL HIS MISSION in my life.

tru st g o d

God,
You work in mysterious ways. Sometimes it’s right out in front for everyone to see and other times it’s hidden from all eyes. I know, You have a plan for me and my life. Help me to rest in that promise.
Amen.

I Can Do Anything….

August 1st, 2016

….but, NOT everything is beneficial. 1 Corinthians 10:23

You’ve probably heard this before, but…just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

That was the jist of yesterday’s message at church. Probably the most needed words I’ve had thrown my way lately. I’m guilty of jumping in with both feet to arguments that I don’t need to even show up for (especially, on social media).

I hate having such a passionate personality, sometimes.

Right now, I’m tensed up and tempted to jot down a response to what I think is utterly ridiculous on Facebook. But, I’m not. I’m so convicted by THE WORD God graciously allowed me to hear yesterday that I am putting my focus on what is better for me and the world I live in, instead.

I don’t have to show up for every argument. Neither do you.

Matter of fact, I don’t have to post snarky comments. I don’t have to push my VERY OPINIONATED comments onto anyone (I’m really sorry for stepping across any lines in the past that hurt or embarrassed anyone). Really. I am.

It seems that every social media avenue is laced with varied personalities: the religious pusher, the troll, the activist, the you must agree with me’ers, the angry political, the baiter’s (those who drop little nuggets to get you hot under the collar and run), the peacemaker, the raunchy dirty joker, the COMPLAINER, the perfect lifer, the hater, the inappropriate selfie photo’er, the education expert, the EX-whatever basher, the fight your personal battles online’er, the too much dirty laundry, the broken-hearted, the good news’er, the look at my successful lifer, the proud parent, the griever, the sickly, the fakes, the share button addicts, the hot button article poster, the instigator, the wishy-washy, the bragger, the see my success’er, the fashion addict, the partier/drinker/boozer, the positive attitude’er, the caught up in a time warp’er and just about everything in between….constantly in our faces.

It’s not good for us. It’s not good for our hearts, our minds or our joy. Controversial posts stir up something inside us that isn’t healthy. It turns us into people that look for trouble in a world that has enough trouble on its own.

Last night, I was out on a jeep drive with my family when we passed a police car all lit up down a country road. The first instinct was to yell, “Go back! I wanna see what’s happening!”. Until I thought about how foolish it is to seek out the terrible. Our society has slowly trained itself to focus on and seek out tragedy.

That’s why social media is so outlandish. It attracts the outspoken, it pulls in the weak and it lasso’s its power around what might be a good & tender heart but spits out just what the world is craving for, controversy.

I’m here to tell you….I’ve been a big fat voice of controversy. I have spoken my opinion loud and ugly. I’ve argued with friends, family and strangers. Ridiculously, argued or slammed down my opinion and left mad. Or ruined my own evening with the thoughts or frustrations of an online encounter.

Even with friends or people I love dearly. All because I disagreed with them on a topic or post. How foolish. How unfortunate.

I don’t want to be in that category anymore. I don’t want to see controversy and respond to it online. I don’t want to push hurtful or cruddy posts onto others.

I’m a believing follower of Jesus Christ. I want to act like it and show it in my speech, behavior and attitude.

argu

Look, I believe a person can post something online with a heart that wants to enlighten (but, will it?). It’s the attitude behind it that causes trouble. I know many people who post harsh statements or articles with the intention of forcing others to agree with them. It’s sad.

I’m not calling out any one friend (I promise) who posts “out there” stuff. I’m talking to myself just as much as anyone. I’m sick of Facebook. I’m sick of the political garbage. I’m sick of people hating others. I’m sick of online fights. I’m sick of meanness. I’m sick of holier than thou do gooders. I’m sick of feeling like junk after scrolling through my social media pages. I’m sick of myself.

your job is

I can’t do what God has called me to do if I’m finding fault with everyone and everything I see on social media. I can’t be the light, I can’t be the truth, I can’t be the child of God that leads others to HIM – when I’m plowing through social media with a fine-tooth comb and a loaded gun opinion.

I have to bow out of this habit of joining in and clicking share when I see something controversial or “thought provoking”. Not everything has to be shared.

stop posting

Here’s some questions FOR ME to ask MYSELF when I feel pulled to respond or argue on social media:

1) Is my opinion going to make an impact on those who read what I say?

2) Will my strong opinion HELP others grow?

3) Is this opinion in line with my convictions? Is it holy, Godly, Christ-like, loving, kind?

4) Would I say it (my strong opinion) to every face of the persons reading it online?

I pray, from here on out that I’m a more thoughtful friend and family member online and off. It’s not my job to shut down the jerks of the world. It is my job to worry about ME!!

God,
Your amazing love for me blows my mind. In spite of me, you still find me lovable and worthy. In spite of my popping off mouth or quick to judge attitude, you offer me grace. Thank you, God.
Amen.

The Facade of the DNC

July 28th, 2016

I’ve been enjoying all the hoopla going on over at the DNC. It’s like getting a jolt of HOLY CRAP every evening when the crazy cranks up and the loonies come out on stage. The speakers are riveting! The support, unreal. As in, none of it is real. What a bunch of fakes!

Day 1 –

Bernie supporters go wild. Booing, chanting, crying. You name it! The BS believers made it known that they were not happy about Hillary. Poor things. I get it. I didn’t pick my new guy either. But, hey….glass ceiling y’all. Kapow!!

Oh and the streets were alive with the angry protests. You might have missed that since mainstream media tried to scatter on over that part of the day.

Still Day 1 –

Democratic Nat’l Committee gal Debbie Wasserman Shultz resigns amidst another email scandal. Poor Dems. Will they ever learn? Rumor is that she’s okay, she managed to land an honorary chair position of the Hillary campaign. No “responsibilities”. Right. Okay. We’ll watch and see.

More Day 1 –

Michelle O spoke y’all. Did you hear her selling the Hillary Koolaid? It was the best speech given at the entire convention (according to VP Joe Biden) because she is incredible! If you really want to know the truth about Michelle and Hillary pick up a copy of Edward Klein’s book, Blood Feud. The love fest isn’t quite what the DNC wants voters to think it is. Still, precious. Just precious.

Elizabeth Borin’ I mean, Warren. Wonk wonk! Almost as moving as Sarah Silverman. “All you Bernie or Bust People are being ridiculous!” Aww, so sweet! That was quick, get over it guys!!

Day 2 – Mothers of the Movement day!!! What a disgrace! First, let me tell you what they are famous for – in case you haven’t heard. They’re all “victims” of murdered sons. The real truth? They are reaping the consequences of pathetic parenting or no parenting at all and now benefiting the fame and fortune of pushing their “poor them” victimhood agenda on every American. How flipping ridiculous!!! Want a little glimpse into who these dear women are? Go read this!

Lest you believe that I’m being uncaring or thoughtless, don’t. I’m a mama. I don’t want any mama to have murdered or dead children. But to capitalize on these mother’s is disgusting!

Hey, mama’s: Teach your children to obey the law and don’t let them run with gangs. Chances are pretty high that they won’t make it out alive.

PS – Thank you for continuing to push that Black Lives Matter agenda and hating away on police. Good move. Really. Thank you!

America & Lena (two actresses) showed up and did their thing. Their thing? Talk trash and make all of us think they are so smart with their snarky little digs against Trump. Wow, I was so moved. I moved away from the tv and went to the bathroom to scroll through my Instagram account. It was the lesser of BS choices I had, honestly.

Oh gosh! The Planned Parenthood Queen spoke. You know, about how PP saves lives. Like the lady in Dallas who was treated for breast cancer. Trump just wants to punish women. PP all about saving women. Ahem, saving them from responsibility. Like unwanted pregnancy. Right, Cecile?

Where do I even begin with Bill Clinton’s speech? He had me loving Hillary! I was all googoo eyed and misty too. What a love story! Hahahahaha!! Hello? World? Everybody knows these two do-do birds haven’t slept together in y e a r s! They live in separate homes in separate states and he has a sort of “reputation” if you will….with the ladies. Still, wasn’t that a speech? Wowzers! That Hillary kissfest almost made me want to trust her too!

Poor Alicia Off Keyes. Wow, I love her music normally but the DNC show was atrocious! Stagehand? Where’s that hook?

ye ouw

So many sweet moments on Day 2! I just want to watch it all again.

Day 3 –

All that chanting during Leon Panetta’s speech…..it almost solidified my belief that the Dems are a bunch of crazies all jacked up on Hillary Doo. Which, they are. I can’t help but gloat a little at all the insider hating.

Speaking of hating, President Obama’s speech. What a loving and encouraging word from the man. Oh wait, he spent an enormous amount of time defending himself and his weak spots that keep getting so much national attention these days. He took the opportunity to let us all know that he’s doing a great job. Oh and he endorsed old Hill! And then the hugging! So sweet. Only, again….the truth is they literally hate each other! Good show, though.

via GIPHY

All the actors. So many left-wing celebs. What a posse! Dems should be so proud.

I cannot wait for tonight. Hillary is going to blow our dang minds with her deep love for our country and its people…I can just hear it now.

It’s as though NO ONE remembers a single bit of her history.
Here’s a snippet to ponder if you can’t recall any Hillary mishaps. Girlfriend doesn’t need the highest job in the land, trust me. She got 99 problems and all of them are bad.

Honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine what the future holds. It’s scary and if you know anything about scripture….then you know that even bad leaders won important positions. Remember King Herod? Not a good guy; murdered his own family, slaughtered innocent children, built the Second Temple (the place Jesus flipped tables). Yea, he was bad bad. Yet, God used him. And he’s going to use whomever wins this presidency. I have to believe that and so do you.

God help us. We are wandering….far from you.