Just to be clear, I’m still in this world so struggle, worry and temptation still threatens to throw me against the rocks of this life.
I’m fighting so hard to not fall in a hole of desperation. Not a day goes by that I’m not challenged to trust God and give Him full reign over me and my banged up heart.
I am made of flesh, so it’s a constant battle.
When we drove away from our family and life in April, I claimed our exit a HEALING TOUR and what God soon revealed was that healing was far away. Imagine the sting of that. Nope, you’re not going to heal but hurt and grow a bit more. I don’t point that out to make God look cruel (He’s not, by the way) but He does work in ways that are often riddled with pain and seasons of waiting.
I feel as if I’ve been on the longest waiting list and perhaps, I’ve even been skipped.
I’ll be honest, it makes it very hard to see goodness when struggle tops the list. I am a smart lady, I can see when the enemy is sneaking around my turf trying to jam me up and discourage me. Still, I’m all jacked up on trying to be normal and normal just keeps racing far ahead of me.
Maybe, I’m not supposed to ever be normal again. At least, not my kind of normal anyway.
My life feels like it’s in crumbles. Pieces are scattered everywhere. Nothing seems to fit or add up. I just run back & forth like a passerby of a terrible accident trying to help all the bleeding and wounded souls laying around me. No one is getting the attention they need most because I am frantic and overwhelmed.
I can’t make my life right.
It’s too damaged. Too much, too soon.
I pray that this hurt doesn’t follow me forever. Every day that I think I’m okay….another weak spot opens up and I fall in with both feet reminding me that I am broken and in need of serious mending.
Things are a hot mess in my life; our finances are in the biggest uphill battle still, our ONLY CAR is in need of serious repair, my dog is dying and it’s not a pretty or easy journey for her or me, I’m missing my kids, I live in a camper in Montana and winter is a coming, I feel stuck with no job or car… we need a shed built yesterday, my internet (MY ONLY SOURCE OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD!!) is hit or miss and I am secluded from everyone. I don’t even look like me anymore. I get it why mountain people (the poor ones) look so dang homely.
It’s cause, we are h o m e l y!
I want to scream at every beautiful person I see and tell them, I used to be normal like you. I wasn’t always a hag!
In the 4 years that I lived in Zionsville, Indiana…I functioned on a very limited friend list level. It wasn’t until the very end of living there that I had a group of good and close friends. I’ve been here 4 weeks and I have made more friends than I know what to do with. Every week, I’ve been invited to dinner with great people who genuinely want to be a part of my life. God is more generous than I deserve. But, since He’s giving…I AM GOING TO TAKE!
I’ve learned a great lesson in such a time as this, to roll with it and let God do what He’s going to do. In spite of the things that are trying their dangedest to drag me down, I CAN STILL PRAISE HIM!
Worried about more month than money – praise Jesus anyway!
Stressed about a broken car, heart or relationship – praise Jesus anyway!
Lonely, depressed, afraid – praise Jesus anyway!
Emotionally struggling – praise Jesus anyway!
Locked in a hopeless situation – praise Jesus anyway!
I cannot give up and neither can you. When life trashes all we hold dear, God is still working! He is still fighting for us, holding the fragments of our lives together and preparing a way where we can see none. The seasons change from one to the next and life may look different but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
I can’t outrun my troubles. I can’t race ahead and skip all the refining and molding of my heart. As much as I want to. Getting a great job in a fantastic new place does not equal instant back to normal! Everything takes time.
So, while I stand in the muck of my real life problems….
I
Will
Praise
God
Anyway
