Posts Tagged ‘trust’

Less Alone

Thursday, September 20th, 2018

I went to bed last night thinking of how loved I felt. Within a 24 hour window, I had face-to-face conversations with all 3 of my grown kids! That doesn’t happen much, everyone is busy and living their lives. I realized just how incredible that gift of their time was to my soul. No one needed a reason, they just video phoned to chat.

What a blessing. {Thanks, sweet punks of mine!}

Somewhere right now there’s a frazzled out mom who thinks she’s screwing up all the good things in her kids. She has no idea if they’ll ever call her again once they move out. She’s tired, she’s fed up and she’s convinced she sucks as a mom! I know this because I felt it all too.

No one can prepare you for the empty nest days and I think I know why…

All the days before it are full of lessons, for them and for you. Some of the lessons are so painful and others are tiny and forgettable. Someday while on the phone or sitting at lunch with your grown kid, they’ll bring up something you totally forgot all about and it will hit you right between your eyes that they held onto that memory. If you had the mental capacity to dwell on everything, you’d probably just explode!

You’re never going to get everything right, not as a person or a parent. It would be mean to tell you to parent as if they are leaving you forever. They do eventually leave and the whole relationship changes. You either have great new young adult friends or jerks who avoid you – it’s all up for grabs. All families have junk, so, if yours is all a mess…don’t beat yourself up.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is this…you are not alone. Whether your kids are living closeby and completely immersed in your everyday life or whether they live on the other side of the world from you and can only talk once in a great while. Every one of us has a system that is customized to our own needs in life. If your kids hate you, trust me…someone else’s kids hate them too. All you can do is try your best to heal whatever is broken. If you can’t fix it, love from where you are right now.

I pray you feel less alone.

It is hurtful to think you have the lone club membership to troubles. God is always working in our lives. He can heal broken hearts and jumbled up relationships. If we trust Him, He can make beauty from ashes. I know this because of my own relationship with my mom. It was so ugly and toxic for most of my life. I thank God for closing our chapter together with true forgiveness, love & respect. Something I never thought could happen.

I’ve learned in my 51 years that we are all capable of being horrible. We’re human and frail. We treat people we love like we don’t and we fall short of admitting wrong in the most vulnerable instances. I know that my own kids carry scars from my crappy mom moments, I also know that they are wise & understanding people who offer forgiveness.

No one gets it all right.

Remember, when you’re rolling around in the dirt of all aloneness — the truth is, you’re really not alone.

Help me love the person who feels alone in their troubles. Thank you for always making beauty from the ashes of my own life too.

Praise God Anyway

Tuesday, August 28th, 2018

Just to be clear, I’m still in this world so struggle, worry and temptation still threatens to throw me against the rocks of this life.

I’m fighting so hard to not fall in a hole of desperation. Not a day goes by that I’m not challenged to trust God and give Him full reign over me and my banged up heart.

I am made of flesh, so it’s a constant battle.

When we drove away from our family and life in April, I claimed our exit a HEALING TOUR and what God soon revealed was that healing was far away. Imagine the sting of that. Nope, you’re not going to heal but hurt and grow a bit more. I don’t point that out to make God look cruel (He’s not, by the way) but He does work in ways that are often riddled with pain and seasons of waiting.

I feel as if I’ve been on the longest waiting list and perhaps, I’ve even been skipped.

I’ll be honest, it makes it very hard to see goodness when struggle tops the list. I am a smart lady, I can see when the enemy is sneaking around my turf trying to jam me up and discourage me. Still, I’m all jacked up on trying to be normal and normal just keeps racing far ahead of me.

Maybe, I’m not supposed to ever be normal again. At least, not my kind of normal anyway.

My life feels like it’s in crumbles. Pieces are scattered everywhere. Nothing seems to fit or add up. I just run back & forth like a passerby of a terrible accident trying to help all the bleeding and wounded souls laying around me. No one is getting the attention they need most because I am frantic and overwhelmed.

I can’t make my life right.

It’s too damaged. Too much, too soon.

I pray that this hurt doesn’t follow me forever. Every day that I think I’m okay….another weak spot opens up and I fall in with both feet reminding me that I am broken and in need of serious mending.

Things are a hot mess in my life; our finances are in the biggest uphill battle still, our ONLY CAR is in need of serious repair, my dog is dying and it’s not a pretty or easy journey for her or me, I’m missing my kids, I live in a camper in Montana and winter is a coming, I feel stuck with no job or car… we need a shed built yesterday, my internet (MY ONLY SOURCE OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD!!) is hit or miss and I am secluded from everyone. I don’t even look like me anymore. I get it why mountain people (the poor ones) look so dang homely.

It’s cause, we are h o m e l y!

I want to scream at every beautiful person I see and tell them, I used to be normal like you. I wasn’t always a hag!

In the 4 years that I lived in Zionsville, Indiana…I functioned on a very limited friend list level. It wasn’t until the very end of living there that I had a group of good and close friends. I’ve been here 4 weeks and I have made more friends than I know what to do with. Every week, I’ve been invited to dinner with great people who genuinely want to be a part of my life. God is more generous than I deserve. But, since He’s giving…I AM GOING TO TAKE!

I’ve learned a great lesson in such a time as this, to roll with it and let God do what He’s going to do. In spite of the things that are trying their dangedest to drag me down, I CAN STILL PRAISE HIM!

Worried about more month than money – praise Jesus anyway!

Stressed about a broken car, heart or relationship – praise Jesus anyway!

Lonely, depressed, afraid – praise Jesus anyway!

Emotionally struggling – praise Jesus anyway!

Locked in a hopeless situation – praise Jesus anyway!

I cannot give up and neither can you. When life trashes all we hold dear, God is still working! He is still fighting for us, holding the fragments of our lives together and preparing a way where we can see none. The seasons change from one to the next and life may look different but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I can’t outrun my troubles. I can’t race ahead and skip all the refining and molding of my heart. As much as I want to. Getting a great job in a fantastic new place does not equal instant back to normal! Everything takes time.

So, while I stand in the muck of my real life problems….


Comfort Zone Challenge

Wednesday, August 15th, 2018

I’m short compared to normal people. At times, I convince myself that I’m just as tall as everybody else around me and then I can’t reach something….and the reality of my squirt size sets in. I’m just a 5’3″ lady with a giant size attitude and mindset. So, this new start of my life should only be a blip of a challenge to my determination.

I can do hard things.

I’ve had some time to think about my circumstance the last 3 weeks and I’ve decided that I don’t have to have all the answers or a million dollars to bounce back. Although, the million would surely help. My life is not over and my future is completely in God’s hands.

I want to be brave but the hard truth is that I get a bit wonky with my courage and doubt finds its way into my thinking. Which is a dangerous place to be.

I’m trying hard not to dwell in all the spots that promise to set me back. I am a creature of comfort. I love the comfy spots of life. My love language is comfort and I have lived my whole life trying to make others and myself as at home and comfortable as I possibly could.

I don’t belong there.

I’ll never heal there.

Comfort zones are beautiful but nothing grows there.

I have no knowledge of the why’s in my situation. Why my husband lost his job? Why it took 2 years to find another? Why my body had to betray me with the most aggressive rheumatoid arthritis in the middle of it all? Why my little dog had to get so sick after all we’ve been through? Why we had to move so far away from everyone we love? Why to a town where a junky fixer-upper costs over $500,000 dollars? Why?

I could ponder the why’s all day. It won’t change any of what’s happened or what will be in the future. So, why bother?

What I have learned is that God is NOT leaving me to fend for myself. Oh it has felt that way many times during this struggle. I have begged for mercy and I have submitted fully to whatever, over and over and over.

And, here I am.

I don’t have to hang around in the comfort zone to be safe. I can step out and trust God with what’s ahead. I’ll admit, it is h a r d! I need safety. It’s part of my DNA and maybe it is for you too. In Psalm 9:16, David declares that The Lord is known by his acts of justice; the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands. In my flesh, I fall weak to the choices of others and what they may or may not have done to me in selfishness. I don’t have to worry about what others are doing. I do, however…have to focus on my own holiness and my own actions towards others.

You cannot treat people cruelly and get away with it.

So, my life and my circumstances right now are completely in God’s hands. I can trust him and I can rest knowing that he will see it all to completion. My job is to be brave and step out of all that feels comfy and live it up to the very fullest!

Noisy Days

Tuesday, February 6th, 2018

I can only describe what I know about my own experience with God and how He works in my life, I could never say what He will do in yours or anyone else’s. What I’ve noticed lately is that there are quiet days and noisy ones.

Truthfully, the quiet days seem to far outweigh all the noisy ones.

Quiet days are the ones where I feel not much is happening. I sit, I listen and I wait.

Noisy days are the ones that God bangs the gong of my life loudly, not just for me to hear…but anyone whose within a world of me can probably hear as well.

Yesterday, was so noisy!

I had a big medical situation to take care of and BOOOOOOM!!! God opened the door (a big squeaky noisy door) and I walked right through as he held it open.

I checked the mail and in it were 2 (NOT 1 but 2!!!) envelopes from 2 very godly praying women that love my family so much that they allowed God to work through them with a BANGING LOUD financial gift.

What? I hear you, Jesus!

A potential issue with negotiations in our house sell tormented us yesterday. Even with all my assurance that it was not a big deal, my hubby stressed. This morning I opened the door and a lady said, “I want your house!”. “If your sale doesn’t go through, my husband and I want to buy it!”

Your noise is like a choir of angels to my tiny crumbly heart! Thank you for the quiet simple days that you just love on me and let me be. But, also thank you for the loud noisy days where I know there is no other reason for something to go right – except that it is YOU!

PS – Just to be clear. My house has sold. No one is backing out of the deal. If you’ve ever sold a home then you know… is hard work and lots of back & forth. We’re just back & forth’n right now and all of our raw 18 month nerves tend to be uber sensitive to any questioning or whathaveyou.

Thank you reader friends! For loving, praying and encouraging! Over & over!

Mountain Mover or Not

Thursday, June 22nd, 2017


When it all falls apart…will you still trust Jesus? I only ask because the reality is that it will fall apart, sometime someday someway. No one, not a single person gets to walk through life without experiencing something that hurts or breaks them down.

Will you still believe that God loves you & trust Him with whatever the outcome?

This morning I woke up to a plea for prayer from one of my girls. Somehow she had made a tiny error at work that could equate into a big snafu for her boss. I felt her concern (that’s what mama’s do) through her request for HOLY POWER intervention and I immediately went to God in prayer. After praying, I sat listening and God in His infinite wisdom reminded me that I can still trust Him even when He doesn’t move the mountain in my way.

I knew He had a lesson for me in trusting Him to the fullest.

For the last year (over 10 months now) I’ve rally cried daily for God to help us and protect us from the job loss in September. Every single day, we’ve eaten….slept in a beautiful home….felt loved & cared for….watched bills get paid miraculously….found joy in the mundane….walked a daughter down the aisle to be married….celebrated a son graduate from the US ARMY….jumped up & down for a daughter’s college graduation and first big girl job….traveled to see parents across country….found sustaining temporary jobs to pay da billz and more! Why? Because, God is faithful.

Now faithful doesn’t always look like we ask it to look. If it did, for me…faithful might be in the form of another full-time normal job that offers all the insurance and vacation time regular working folks have. However, God is a lot more creative than we even imagine. He makes a way (if that’s what He wants to do) for us to go on whether it’s a 9-5 job or a contract job that allows whatever strange hours and days you need to work it.

But, what if nothing happens?

What if there’s never another real job? Will I trust Him?

What if there’s a loss of something more? What will I do? Will I still believe Him and trust Him?

What if He doesn’t answer my prayers for my children? Does He still care? Is He still working on their behalf?

The answer is YES! Yes, I will trust Him. Yes, I will believe Him. Yes, He is still working, loving, providing, helping, caring.


These words from Lauren Daigle in her song Trust in You remind me that I can believe that God is everlasting and trustworthy with every little detail of my life.

So can you.

Trust in You

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

Time in a Bottle

Tuesday, July 26th, 2016

I feel like I need to put all my happy moments in a bottle.


In spite of all the desperation going on in my life right now…..I do have a lot of happy to be thankful for as well.

Dinesh movie

My oldest is home (temporarily, because…..he’s unemployed too) and that gives me time with him that I’d normally not have now that he lives in Texas.

He’s diligently searching and working hard at a friend’s landscaping business (it is record hot here right now!) while he’s in town. But, having him here is a huge blessing to my heart. I love spending time with my kids! I’ll need a huge bottle to hold all these memories!


They never think it’s weird to do crazy things with their old parents. Or when I hang out of my sunroof in the mexican restaurant drive-thru….they aren’t even embarrassed. This deserves to go in all our bottles!

Right kids?


Having Gracie home is special too. The girl is a lover! She’s so sweet and she isn’t afraid to let you know how she feels. Bottling it, every moment with her.


She likes to do fun stuff too. She kayaks, skateboards…jeeps it up and loves a good couch snuggle. Yesterday, I went by their room to let her out and couldn’t find her. I called her name then noticed the covers wrestling around and she popped out like a jack-in-the-box. She is a fun dog! Sticking that memory in my bottle!


Here in Indy, another policeman was shot. It’s getting to the point that every time I see a newsflash I think it can’t be happening AGAIN. But, it is. Our world has gone crazy. God bless our brave police! My family’s house shines up with support for those who live and die protecting us. Into the bottle this goes!

lizzy ghost

I was vainly trying to take a bathroom mirror selfie recently when I realized I had company. Miss Lizzy is a loyal gal. She sticks with me like a true best friend. I love seeing her sweet little face in the middle of my picture. That belongs in my bottle, for certain.

Troubled times are inevitable because life is full of ups & downs. I want to hang on to all of it. The hard moments fill my tank just like the easy ones. Both work in my spirit. I’m strong, I’m healthy and I’m going to survive the stress of the unknown.

In the meantime, I’m going to pour all my happy moments in a bottle to hold onto for the times when I feel too overwhelmed to see the good.

God has this